Irony

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that wonderfully illuminating right of passage that makes the soul of all women unite in the altruistic cause of humanity…*looking dreamily at majestic clouds from my meadow’s tree trunk swing laden in floral vines (let’s go with hawthorns)*.. Hawthorn’s, my behind!

So you know I introduced myself with a derivative of “here’s the skinny”? Well that’s exactly what I’m not. Skinny. I was, but see, tis the age old tale of procreation. Aaah, procreation, that wonderfully illuminating right of passage that makes the soul of all women unite in the altruistic cause of humanity…*looking dreamily at majestic clouds from my  meadow’s tree trunk swing laden in floral vines (let’s go with hawthorns)*.. Hawthorn’s, my behind! and the only uniting forces of motherhood so far are the lipid chains currently compounding the rest of my unsightly anatomy!

It seems that rather than read a book or p’p’p’pick up a salad, I find myself using the excuse of loneliness to justify making friends with the fridge, the freezer, the larder, the pantry and the decoy cupboard that secretly houses the junk of the food world in EVERY house I find myself occupying. Notice I emphasised everythere. I can’t possibly be alone if I’m visiting a loved one can I? Even worse when I’m not and I’m using a pillowcase to muffle the sound of shattered glass?

So to save my soul and the lives of those within smell-shot of a bakery, I have to stop. Convincing my daughter she was “sharing” the kinder surprise protruding from my mouth like bird feathers is not a good look and considering she has witnesses to what is now a recurring situation,  it’s only a matter of time before child protection get involved.

There are of course a number of  diets and strategies out there that promise a thinner, healthier, happier you. But even with their tweaked before and afters, gut destroying recipes, quick fix gimmicks and money back guarantees that really only say “you have a REAL problem so actually, no, we can’t help you”, they aren’t the problem. I am. I’m just too lazy. I cannot be asked (or is that arsed?) to do Jackanory!  It’s mind-boggling but turns out, after dealing with my kids, husband, home, studies and M.S, I struggle to find the get-up-n-go to swing my hips with Shaun T? But no more excuses good people of the world! I’m shifting this weight if it kills me. BEFORE! I meant, before it kills me…haheheh..*nervous laughter at the deep-rooted irrational fears that my belly will one day swallow me*

First Steps:

  • Not eat after 7.pm
  • Breakfast within an hour of waking
  • sleep by 10.30pm (<- okay this is going to be the first to fall on it’s face)
  • 20 minutes of exercise a day… or every other day?..
  • No carbs in last meal?..or very little carbs?..I’m already bargaining and it’s only planing stage so I think I’d best stop here for now.

SOOO then, let’s see what happens with this? I’ll fill you in on any changes I notice in a week on this front shall I? I would say wish me luck but just think starting with something that’s not real might not be a good omen?

Mrs. Tea

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