Popular culture is all over the place in terms of what the right amount of sex is in a relationship, but it really doesn’t matter how much sex you’re having. There is only what’s right or wrong for you with your partner, and that number can and does change from one relationship to the next.
Popular culture is all over the place in terms of what the right amount of sex is in a relationship, but it really doesn’t matter how much sex you’re having. What matters is how you’re having it, because there is no right or wrong amount of sex. There is only what’s right or wrong for you with your partner, and that number can and does change from one relationship to the next.
When a couple has a healthy sexual relationship, affection is not expected or forced. Instead it comes naturally. This is true even if one partner initiates sex more than the other. Both people are comfortable sharing the company of one another. A kiss on the cheek or a pat on the butt is common. Neither person feels their privacy to have been invaded, nor are these simple expressions considered insulting or demeaning. Sex is in the background of such a relationship. Daily needs and activities are prioritized according to their importance, allowing the couple to work together in an intimate partnership.
This happens when sex is just ten percent of a relationship.
However, if a couple does not have a healthy sex life, intimacy lurks beneath the surface of their entire relationship. Like an act of infidelity it demands an apology while begging forgiveness. Arguments spiral out of control as unmet needs ignite otherwise meaningless disagreements. Simple touches or passing displays of affection are forbidden because they highlight the failure of two people to connect. A pat on the butt or kiss on the cheek is seen as an insulting invasion of personal space. The couple is no longer able to connect sexually or work together in close spaces, turning their intimate partnership into a business partnership.
This happens when sex becomes ninety percent of a relationship.
Sex then turns into an unspoken need that gets in the way of every other aspect of their lives. Frustrations over work commitments or shared obligations lead to resentment and distrust. This further undermines the intimacy required for a healthy sexual relationship, because personal relationships were never intended to be business partnerships. Intimate partnerships are significantly more demanding, as the failures one must accept in intimate partnerships are not tolerated in business. Lovers expect forgiveness and support, even under the most demanding of circumstances. Businesses just expect results.
Unfortunately people have expectations and needs they don’t clearly communicate to their partner. Not openly sharing those needs and expectations creates a black hole in their relationship. One person pours his or her heart into meeting what they perceive as the needs of their partner. Unfortunately the partner on the receiving end constantly feels that those needs have not been met. Both partners waste their energy to no end, growing increasingly frustrated. In part it’s due to a failure to communicate, but it’s also a failure to maintain an intimate connection with one another. This is because people who are intimate view one another in a more favorable and forgiving light. In fact, it is this intimacy that draws them to form bonds deeper and more meaningful than simple friendships. Without that intimacy, over time even the strongest of relationships becomes no more than a business partnership. That turns love into a liability, because love is an impediment to the efficiency business partnerships require to succeed.
Without showing and expressing love in a way their partner can understand, the space between couples grows too great for intimacy to bridge. That makes it increasingly difficult to rekindle the sexual spark that helps keep a healthy relationship going during difficult times. Even though every other thing couples do together is more important and more necessary to shared survival than sex, none of those things are as intimate. That intimacy and the understanding that comes with it is why sex is ten percent of a good relationship, and ninety percent of a bad one.
Image Credits: Love land at Jeju island.