How should you kill a balding long toothed ogre?



Extract from the 'Warrior Times' Newspaper

For years warriors have believed that there is only one way to kill a balding long toothed ogre. The warrior arms his or herself with a huge wooden club and attempts to bludgeon the ogre to death. This is normally carried out whilst the ogre is asleep as warriors prefer a surprise attack.

The trouble with the bludgeoning method is that a balding long toothed ogre will dramatically increase in size when he gets angry or feels threatened. The speed at which this type of ogre can grow, after the first strike of the warrior's club, is quite astonishing. The bludgeoning approach inevitably leads to the now giant ogre picking up the frightened warrior and swallowing them whole, including their weapons.

New research has shown that there is now an alternative approach to killing a balding long toothed ogre. The new approach uses 'Dragon Gas'. When a dragon passes wind they release into the air a deadly concoction of poisonous gases which are lethal to the balding long toothed ogre, killing it instantly. The older the dragon the deadlier the gas for the ogre. It is thought that one 'windy' old dragon can kill up to ten ogres in one day.

The testing of 'Dragon Gas' showed that out of a hundred warriors, sent to kill a balding long toothed ogre, twenty returned alive. This is a significant improvement considering that no warriors survived whilst testing the old bludgeoning method. Pro ogre support groups believe this new approach is a more humane way to deal with the balding long toothed ogre menace.

'Dragon Gas' has now gone into mass production. Dragon keepers everywhere are being asked to feed their dragons a diet rich in prunes, stinking cheese and mouldy human corpses. The gas from these flatulent dragons is now being stored in handy, easy to use canisters. Sadly there have been over a hundred reported cases where dragon keepers have lost their lives trying to catch the gas from some irritable old dragons.

For 'Dragon Gas' to be effective the brave warrior needs to get as close as possible to the sleeping ogre. Ideally they need to be in touching distance. Once in position they need to quietly release the canister of 'Dragon Gas' into the air. It is advised that the warrior covers their mouth during and after the release as the stench from the 'Dragon Gas' will be vomit inducing. They should then run for their life. The balding long toothed ogre should lose consciousness and then pass away peacefully. The clean up operation afterwards is believed to be less messy than the bludgeoning approach.

In view of our diminishing warrior population and the rising costs of warrior funerals it is hoped that this new approach can be adopted quickly. The balding long toothed ogre cannot go on munching its way through our race of valiant warriors.

Warriors can now buy 'Dragon Gas' canisters from all taverns, inns and magic shops. This month there is a special money back guarantee — if you get eaten by a balding long toothed ogre using 'Dragon Gas' you can get your money back! Terms & Conditions apply. The makers of 'Dragon Gas' may decide to reject your claim if your death does not meet their strict requirements.

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