Dalton Perry (D.C. Perry)
Dalton Perry
(D.C. Perry)
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Dmitry Selemir
Dalton, a fine effort, I think the story needs some tightening up though. Reminded me of JG Ballard. I'm surprised he didn't make it into the list of books you referenced in the beginning. The Drowned World in particular springs to mind as there are very clear similarities in the story. 
I would try and highlight a few things that I thought could do with an improvement.
First thing that struck me is how matter of fact-ly main character deals with the loss of his daughter. She is gone from the picture in an instant and he shows little concern or emotion as if they were strangers. No parent will ever act that way, apocalypse or not. He would hold on to every straw, every opportunity searching for her in hope that she might still be alive, no matter how much everything points to the opposite. 
Looking at it more pragmatically it's also a missed opportunity to open up his character.
Perhaps the scene could be reworked into a cafe where they are having a conversation as strangers?
I think the reasons for the apocalypse could be more present. No need to spell them out — but they need to be ever present as an ongoing threat. I think there needs to be a sense of something bigger developing and dwarfing everything that is going with the characters on the daily basis. It will add the depth to the story and will remove that sense of just daily routine descriptions with no clear goal. They need more of a purpose and significance in the unfolding story otherwise they tend to drag on a bit esp. towards the end. I guess what I am looking for — is I want to see how their mind works, how your characters think, what it all means to them and how it affects them psychologically. The action bits are all fine, but they are actually not that important as far as the bigger picture is concerned.
Also a minor point but choice of books doesn't sit well with the age of main character  - am assuming late 30s early 40s at least given he had a teenage daughter. Just personal opinion.
Soldier's conversation about black hole felt contrived and a bit out of place. I understand it was leading into hints on what caused the apocalypse, but I think this particular theme and conversation doesn't really work.
Also a very minor point but Sokov as a first name for a Russian doesn't work, last name yes, but not first name. If you want to keep the mystery around it then need a more international sounding twist on an actual Russian name.
In fact the mystery about his origin doesn't quite make sense. It is revealed in the end as something of great significance, but unless I missed it I don't see how it changes anything or opens up something within the story.
Fixation on the eye charts is an interesting one and could be explored further and have more significance in the story.
Sylvia's character should be explored further too of course. Her kidnapping is left unexplained and the interaction with the rival gang is an opportunity to dig deeper into what is going on as well, it shouldn't be just all guns blazing. 
Sorry, these are rather disjointed notes/impressions, hopefully these make sense and would be helpful.