There's not enough coffee in the world to motivate me to write one more exciting, cheerful, attention-grabbing author bio. No grossly exaggerated list of my academic credentials will you see here. Nope, not gonna do it again. I won't list obscure publications whose sole purpose is providing writers like me a obscure publications to list on our bios. Nor will I tell cutesy stories about pets named after famous authors. Instead, I'm changing my pets' names to 'Carcass' and 'Hep C.' When I get the time I'll expand this bio to include graphic descriptions of having them fixed. And my family? If my wife and kids truly loved me would they let me write? Wouldn't they encourage me to do something more fulfilling, like driving the truck that empties Porto-Johns? No sir, not writing another happy bio today.