Meiling Colorado
Meiling Colorado
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Jacqueline M Franklin Novels by Jacqueline
Hi, Meiling

I really like your thinking and creativity in the message of your poem. 

(1) No disrespect intended at all, but I did a slight tweak of your poem layout ...

= When broken up into stanzas with limited info in each one, the reader is able to better absorb the intent/meaning in your poem.

= Also, limited punctuation and upper case help to make for a smoother flow, because in poetry, one can take creative license with it.

(2) When pausing/showing a break in dialogue, I would use ellipses and/or an Em-dash. 

<> Ellipses <>

= Ellipses are wonderful to show a pause in dialogue

= By using them, you can eliminate ‘excess verbiage’

Formula: word,space,control,alt,period,space, word

ALSO word,space,3-periods,space,word

Examples of use:

1_ “need … water … thirsty.”

(Show the reader distress in character without the writer having to say it)

2_ “so you can … you know … go the extra mile.”

(Gives you the freedom to pause dialogue as you would pause in speaking)

=FYI=

1_ Some use 4 periods (. ... OR ….) at end of sentence.

2_ I’ve seen it all =3= ways. Depends whose style you want to use. (*<*)

  <> Em—dash <>

= Em—dash is good to use in place of a comma

= You can use in place of semicolon

Formula: word,dash,dash,word,space

(if computer settings are configured correctly).

Another Formula:Two--dashes (no spaces)

Examples of use:

1_ “I know what he meant—just listen to me, though.”

2_ “Oh, fiddlesticks—it’s so like you!”

3_ “always felt sad—like I didn’t belong.”



= Suggested Format: 

From way down here—in the primeval mud

where we lie curled in like a bud ...

all we can sense is the warmth of a distant sun

a dim light, whispering of mysteries way out of sight

where at the next level we will be ... one.

 

Swimming upwards, following those bubbles of intuition

we will have to change our human condition.

Once the surface is broken of our own volition

who can tell of the next step in our evolution?

 

To ascend, transcend, with new challenges we will contend.

Soar upwards on this upward trend we must

grow wings and put in them our trust

follow the sparkling bubbles of your intuition.

 

They will not lead you astray....

we do not yet know what lies beyond the surface

at first, we may feel blinded

but then will see the way.


= I hope this was a helpful critique. As I said, no disrespect intended, so use or lose as you see fit. (*<*)

Cheers ... Jacqueline