I struggle with myself, some days I feel like I am stood on the top of the universe and other days, like today I feel like I am trapped within the core of the earth. It's hard to change your mind, especially if it is wired to be anxious. It is hard to change a bad perception into a good one.
I have found the last few months really difficult like I wrote yesterday in my blog regarding depression. A part of me feels silly for sharing my anxiety with you all. I feel like half of the people that read this article simply won't care but I honestly hope I can touch some people's hearts by sharing my deepest thoughts with you all.
I decided to delete Facebook yesterday and take a break off of my Instagram account. I am currently in the process of writing a novel, so I have decided to keep my writing account and my twitter account. I already feel like a huge weight has been taken off of my shoulders just by doing this. I have become fixated on looking up people that I don't know, wishing I was them. I don't know what has triggered my anxious thinking or where it comes from and I am sure I am not the only person who does it but I can recognise it isn't healthy, which is why I need to take a break from it all, just until I can see and think a little bit clear.
I believe social media has impacted this generation of young people hugely and we are all full of insecurities that we probably wouldn't have developed if it wasn't for social media. A lot of us do it, we end up looking up ex's, past friendships that we don't have anymore, our new other half's ex-partner. We come across people and compare ourselves to them, wishing our lives could be somewhat like there's. The thing that people don't realize that social media does create mental illness. Yes, I understand it has it's perks, contacting people you thought you would never speak to again, but we are all magnets, anyone who is meant to be in our lives will gravitate towards us again. Facebook, in my opinion, creates more bad than good, this is something I have recognized now I'm older, so I am not using it anymore. I got into the terrible habit of pretending my life was better than it was, I got into the terrible habit of posting every part of my life on Facebook and it just was so unhealthy. It's nice to keep some things to yourself, some people like to see you fall, don't give them the justification for letting them see you fall. If you have anxiety and you want to change it, one of the best things you can do is delete facebook.
I should have gone into work today for an 11-9 shift but I was incredibly thankful when my deputy manager told me I didn't have to come in. I am meant to be an assistant manager but my mind is preoccupied with other things nowadays. Anxiety has taken away my ambition to be anything, I am constantly worrying about everything, mainly money and I know you are probably reading this and thinking I am a hypocrite, which in a way I am because if I actually worked a decent amount of hours, I would be able to make a decent wage and I would be happier but the truth is I just don't have the energy. My mind is set on so many other things. I am unhappy with my job anyway, so I have begun looking for a new one now, another thing about anxiety is it does stop you from wanting to change things but you need to branch out a bit sometimes and anxiety is a state of mind, not a lifestyle and if you really want to beat it you need to change everything in your life that makes you unhappy.
I have written a plan of what I am going to do and achieve in the next six months, I am in a lot of debt with credit cards, loans, phone bills, I have decided to take the step towards paying them all off today. I have learned that anxiety is caused by a lot of different things and if you can pinpoint what makes you anxious and write them down on a piece of paper, you can pinpoint what you need to do in order to beat the anxiety. Money is a big issue for me, I am on a zero hour contract and I am in a lot of debt and I know it will eventually catch up with me one day, so I am putting a plan into action before it does.
I have written down twenty different things I would like to achieve and do by the end of 2017. If you are suffering from anxiety and you feel trapped like me, this actually will help you a lot. Set some goals and stick to them. I would like to show my checklist to you all, so you can have an idea of what it looks like if you are thinking about creating one too. They are only little goals but they will influence my life in a positive way in the future. A lot of anxious stricken people reside in the past because it seems so much better but you CANNOT do that, you need to focus on now and the future, no matter how difficult it is or hard. Train your brain to say bye, bye to anxiety, train yourself to be happy inside and out. Happiness is an emotion that comes out of your soul if you are happy other people feel you're happy, just like if you are sad, other people feel that sadness. It isn't pretty to be constantly sad, life is far too short. You need to fix you before it is too late. If that means cutting everyone out and taking a one-way ticket to another country then do it, if that means writing a novel about everything then hurts you then do it, there are ways to move on from your past and get other issues that haunt you, but only you can do it and you have to want to do it.
The thing with me is the more I put my thoughts onto paper the more I realize who I am and what I need to do to beat anxiety, we all have a muse, you just need to learn to find yours. My dream is to one day help people that are suffering from anxiety and depression. It's all about your state of mind.
I am going to share my checklist with you all now, it isn't in any particular order...
1) New job, better pay. — I currently work at Subway, I am an assistant manager and the hourly pay is the best I have ever had. I was, however, a deputy manager, working 48 hours a week and earning 1580 before tax a month, which Is a total of 19,000 a year. I have taken a huge pay cut dropping down to an assistant manager and I do regret it. I feel like I have had a lot of negative turning points whilst working at subway and who knows maybe I can fix it but now I am fixated on the idea of finding a new job and having a fresh start. My general manager has been very good to me and she has helped me a lot but sometimes enough is enough and you can't always expect someone to save you, you need to save yourself.
2) Get help with depression. — I have booked an appointment next week to see my GP, depression is something I have suffered with for as long as I can remember. I always seek help but I never actually stick to it or stick it out so my goal now is to seek help with depression but actually stick to it this time.
3) Contact step change. — Today I decided to contact step change and restart my debt management plan with them, step change will take a huge weight off of my shoulders because they will allow me to pay my debts back without any worries. Debt is a huge worry for me because like I said I know the debt collectors will eventually catch up with me.
4) Sort out priorities. — I need to organize what's the most important thing in my life currently and that is myself, I need to stop focusing on everyone else and do what's right for me. If that means having to distance me from everyone for a while to save myself then so be it, sometimes it needs to be done. Life is too precious and too short, I want to get better through time, not grow old and bitter.
5) Begin step change debt management plan. — I will tick this off when I have made my first payment to the debt companies that I owe. This will be a big step for me because I will see and believe that I am actually finally putting my thoughts into action.
6) Save at least fifty pounds a month. — I have a really bad habit of spending my money on rubbish, so hopefully, if I start putting away 25 pounds into my savings account every time I get paid, it will give me something to fall back on if anything happens in the near future.
7) Book Paris tickets — I have decided to take my boyfriend to Paris for his 26th birthday in August, I booked the accommodation today, and I am booking the tickets tomorrow. That way I have got two months to put some money away for us both. This will lift another huge anxiety off of me, once the tickets are booked of course.
8) Book Disneyland in Paris Tickets — I am going to take with me at least two hundred pounds worth of euros in spending money so we can go to Disneyland in Paris on Saturday, I am going to book these tickets online in the next month or so because it is actually a lot cheaper. I want to do something nice for him for his birthday because I haven't really ever spent any money on him and it is unfair because he has spent a lot of money on me, so by doing this, I feel like I am doing something nice for him.
9) Stop spending money carelessly — I have a bad habit of venturing out and spending money carelessly, hopefully, this will help me sort out my spending habits, I am going to avoid going out for the next six months, in order to save up some money so I can go on nice trips to different places. It will probably really help my anxiety as well, money has a lot to do with why I feel so down sometimes. I work hard so I should be able to spend it, but spending it on memories that are priceless is so much better than spending it on nights out on the piss.
10) Finish my novel. — I have begun writing a novel and I would like it to be finished in six months time if it isn't then it isn't but this is one of my most important goals for me because I have never finished a novel before. I have written pieces but never managed to finish them, so this is something I need to do. I really do want to be a published writer, it is one of my dreams but I won't ever achieve that dream unless I actually do something about it. I know finishing a novel will be one of the proudest moments in my life so I need to do it.
11) Get to nine stone. — My weight is something I have always battled with for years, I am currently around 10 stone 8 but in six months time I would like to reach nine stone, I am a part of weight watchers so one of my goals is to try and actually stick to weight watchers and do something about my weight because I am very unhappy with my weight, which is a big issue for me because obviously, it gives me really low self-confidence. So I do believe if I reach the goal of 9 stone it will take some of my anxiety away and make me feel better about myself.
12) Rejoin the gym. — I was a member of pure gym and it did make me feel so much better, I am going to rejoin tomorrow so I can get back into exercise again because I do believe exercise plays a huge part in helping you if you suffer from mental health. I also need to stop smoking, I should have added that onto my list of goals, but I will just make it joint with rejoining the gym. Exercise does really help with anxiety and it gives you that feel good feeling that you don't get from drinking alcohol.
13) Book accommodation for Paris — This is a goal I have already achieved today, which has taken a huge weight off my shoulders because I know we have somewhere to stay now for my boyfriends birthday and I don't have to pay until we check in either which is really good, it means I can save up some money for a while until we go. I do want to book some day trips too but I will see how much I have at the end of July.
14) Be a better girlfriend — I have been in a relationship with my other half for five months now, in all honesty, I have been a terrible girlfriend to him, I say nasty things that I do not mean because of my own insecurities. I do love him though. He's willing to stay with me as well, whilst I get help, which says a lot about the sort of person he is. So my goal is to be the best girlfriend I can possibly be for the next six months because what I am putting through isn't fair and I do love him, he means a lot to me. We nearly broke up yesterday because of me. I need to change myself before it's too late because if I lose him it will have a massive impact on me and I think I will regret it forever. I need to fix us before it's too late. I need to also stop been fixated on the idea of it been too late.
15) Don't use Facebook for six months. — I do like the idea of deleting facebook forever but if I can go without it for at least six months, I will be very proud of myself. I believe Facebook plays a huge part in the reason why I suffer from such strong anxiety.
16) Distance yourself from people. — I have decided to distance myself from everyone, my friends, and my family, even my boyfriend just whilst I sort myself out. I need to spend some time on my own and focus on myself before I end up losing everything.
17) Find happiness. — In the next six months, I want to heal myself and find happiness. I am going to do this by sticking to my goals and achieving them all. I will be getting the help I need and doing things to help myself.
18) Laugh more. — Laughter lights up your heart, negativity isn't attractive, I am going to try and laugh more instead of frowning.
19) Book Amsterdam. — I am planning a trip to Amsterdam with my best friend for her birthday in September, the idea is to book that when I get back from Paris with my boyfriend. I want her to have the best birthday ever, and she is such a great friend, she deserves a good birthday.
20) Find a way to make money. — I am going to start entering writing competitions and maybe participate in a hobby to try and earn some extra money on the side. My boyfriend suggested finding a full-time job and going part time at Subway which I am thinking about doing. I need a hobby that will earn me some form of money.
Well I hope you enjoyed reading this article and I hope it put some things into perception for you, I hope you continue following me on my journey to beating anxiety, I hope we can do it together. I appreciate feedback and comments, we can do it! It's never too late to change your life around. :)