I know that people are innately selfish, but it appears day after day that there is no such thing as urbanity. The head has forgotten how the heart can feel. I always have appreciated friends, acquaintances, and significant others. I have assessed their significance in my life based on mutual feelings and my admiration for them, and finally how much time, effort and thought they put into the bond we have invested in.
I have come to find that for the majority of adults I have encountered since living on my own are nothing more than self-serving, egotistical narcissists. The last two or three months, I have sat back, and reevaluated my life, my relationships with those in it and what behaviors I could modify to make my life healthier. As I have gone through this rebirth of my character, as much as I tried to internally pass judgment there was something very troubling I found myself doing. I noticed the way in which I initiated conversations, getting together and meeting new people. I observed my mind always asking itself, “What does this person desire?”, “What do I have available to me, that I can offer them?”. Not because I hurt their feelings, not because I damaged a great relationship. All because unless you are convenient or an asset to someone, there is a slim to nothing chance they would at any time put effort into you.
Having come to this conclusion, the 2-month hiatus I took from socializing with just a couple established people has become an undetermined social hibernation. I will not fall into their behavior and become a monopolizing hog, nor will I become a spineless servant. I am not blind, and I am glad I took a step back. I was becoming a bitch, to people who didn’t embrace my transparency. I had become naive and accustom to this manipulation. It’s disheartening to watch, much less watch others bend over backward to please another. I have no answer in ways to solve this problem besides the evident expression, “Be kind to one another.”. So instead I am going to end this difficulty with a question, Do you want to one who continues down a one-way road, giving all your change to beggars until you run out of gas? Or are you the beggar?
Life is too short.
Love & Art, 1991,