Clinton advisor promises to open X-files
When you cast your vote in November, be sure to consider that one of the knowledge-nuggets we Americans are going to get if 2017 starts with Clinton II instead of Surgical Comb-over I is the truth about UFO’s.
That’s because John Podesta, former advisor to President Obama, says his biggest regret about his last government job was not being able to declassify the government files pertaining to the existence of alien visitors and the abilities thereof. He wanted to before, but when he suggested to Obama that the American people were ready for the truth about UFO’s, the President snorted and said “You think they’re going to believe what I’m saying about UFO’s when they don’t even believe in my birth certificate? What the f*ck have you been smoking, John?”
But Podesta’s bound to get a job in the Hillary White House, even if it’s just the Main Man in Black, and the American public will find out what the government has been hiding about flying saucers all these years.
The truth is out there, and hopefully we’ll find out benevolent aliens are on the verge of swooping in and giving us all eternal life and free energy, once we’ve proved we deserve it by voting Democratic. With all of the world’s social and economic problems solved by the ET’s, not to mention polar bears and coral reefs saved because the aliens show us how to turn down the planetary thermostat a notch, mankind will embark on an era of endless peace, prosperity and tranquility as we prepare to become members of the United Galactic Planets Full of Nice Beings.
Haw! Just kidding. It won’t be like that at all. For one thing, if those aliens don’t bring Jesus with them, there’s going to be hell to pay, as the Bible-believing citizens of the world will promptly recognize the ET’s as a bunch of Antichrists. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth, as mentioned in the Bible, plus the breaking of the Internet, which isn’t, as all seriously Christian souls start arguing among themselves about what time is ordained for them to set their alarm clocks for the Rapture.
Plus, people will try and kill them. The aliens, not the Christians. That’s what humans do when they encounter new creatures and America, as one of the most heavily personally armed nations on Earth where there’s not a for-real current insurgency, is bound to be in the forefront of standing its ground against extraterrestrial trespassers. The ETs can try to come in peace all they want, but they’d better not land near anybody making shine or grazing cattle on government land. Or Oakland.
And it’s highly unlikely that the aliens are going to come all this way without bring some weaponry of their own. Advanced beings are not going to make a quiptillion light-year trip only to slap their huge brainy foreheads and say “Damn! I left my AR-15 propped up against a tree on that last planet!” when they arrive. They’ll be packing alien heat, weapons so advanced that they not only kill you, but turn you into a mindless obedient sex zombie before you hit the ground, capable only of uttering the words “Probe me. Oh, God, probe me hard,” over and over again.
So we’re talking world-wide shootout, and humanity will run out of ammo first, because the aliens will have the capability to make bullets out of sunlight.
After the war the aliens will probably be saying to themselves “Hey, there’s just a bottomless sea of pricks down there. Forget the live-forever pills. But as long as we’re here, we might as well enslave them,” and our descendants will be picking crops, nannying alien babies and scrubbing alien toilets, which are nine feet high and filled with feces that attack you, for every generation until the sun burns out.
That’s what you’re getting with Clinton, sheeple. So wake up and vote Trump. We need a Wall in Space.
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