Sucked or Didn't Suck Review: Batman Vs. Superman Vs. Me

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Where I Tell You If Bats Battling The Man Of Steel Sucked Or Didn't Suck

   To Suck or Didn't Suck. That is the question (kinda...?). It's more of a long walk to make a play on words to open a review section where I give my very influential twenty-three year opinion on any and all media. There are two things that I'd like to preface before beginning this particular review/rant/rave. The first is the ever popular internet warning of SPOILERS. If you're planning on preserving your plot like innocence then skip to the end of the review where I tell you if it sucked or didn't suck (maybe it'll save you some time and money). The second is a firm disclaimer to please do less trolling and more intelligent arguing in the comments section if you disagree and plan on letting everyone know. Now sit back, close out all your other internet tabs, and let me tell you all about...

                                              Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

   Where do I start? Apparently anywhere and then move randomly through the story with meaningless dream sequences and jarring cuts to black (that almost make you feel like a Carl's Jr. commercial is to follow) leaving the audience to make their best guess on how the characters got where they are (both emotionally and literally) until Superman sorta rises from his grave. The End.

 BOOM! TAKE THAT ZACK SNYDER YOU MILLION DOLLAR DIRECTOR YOU!

   But in all seriousness the first hour of this movie might as well be a wash. There's a whole a story line where Lois Lane goes to the Middle East and finds a bullet that holds some significance. Or at least she made it seem that way when she kept buggin' that US senator -or whatever high ranking position he was- about it only to prove useless in the end. This of course is all after she gets kidnapped by terrorists and saved by Superman. Who ends up killing a bunch more people in the process! (totally by mistake though as he stresses to Amy Adams while she mulls over her insane life in a really nice bathtub). Quick side note, I realized how shitty a superhero Superman actually is. Sure he was a great hero in the old comics when his fights didn't involve destroying whole cities. But a real world Superman causes a shit ton of collateral damage. I will say this is something Snyder and writers Goyer and Terrio have gotten right in the more recent iteration of the character which gives Batman (a surprisingly compelling Ben Affleck) an understandable reason to want to take on Superman after watching his business headquarters and all the people inside come crashing down.

   While we're at it, let's talk about Ben's Bats. It's ironic that a few years ago comic nerds and internet trolls were livid at the idea of Ben playing the Caped Crusader when he was hands down the most enjoyable part of the film. Ben plays this Batman, one based on Frank Miller's iteration in the Dark Knight Returns comics, with real effectiveness. Where Nolan and Bale's Batman (the greatest Batman of all time and don't you ever forget it I will fight you) was far more artful and sleek, Ben's is brutish and less regal. In short, he's way more old-school quietly kick your ass outside the bar because you're being disrespectful to the waitress type badass. The idea of watching Ben's Bat in the upcoming Justice League films was a small light, or shall I say signal (PUN INTENDED AND I'M NOT ASHAMED), at the end of a very long and mostly dark tunnel.

   And then there's Jesse Eisenberg. Whooooa momma did he go for it in this one. Going for it so much in one particular scene in which he makes ludicrous demands to a US Senator (one of many) then sensually feeds that grown politician of a man a Jolly Rancher. Licking his fingers afterward and smugly proclaiming "It's cherry." Because he's young, rich, and craaaaazy guys! Like all young and rich people are! But I can't blame Jesse for the performance. Lex Luthor is such a thinly written character in this film that "crazy" is the only motivation Eisenberg could pull out of his actors hat in an attempt to make the villain interesting.

   Honestly, the actors weren't the real issue in this film. It's the way this story was told or really the way the plot stomped along scene after scene. I couldn't put my thumb on if it was the writing that was the problem, as there are so many moving parts in this film it was hard to keep track of who wanted what and why, or if it was the editing. No wait, I got it. It was the editing. For sure. There's no doubt Zack Snyder makes a visually impressive scene. But they fail to be powerful or compelling because quiet frankly we just don't know what we're looking at or even care. The prime example being a very abrupt ten minute long post apocalyptic dream sequence that snaps to Ben waking up, only to reveal that the warning he receives from a frantic future Flash (thats right baby we got some alternate timelines/dimensions in store) was also a dream... Maybe.... It's stuff like this that makes me feel like Terrio, Goyer, and Snyder are simply taking shortcuts to set things up for future films as opposed to just making a good stand alone film. I mean I get it, DC is trying to cover a lot of ground in a short amount of time in order to catch up to their super cool and more experienced classmate Marvel, but they're missing the fact that their rivals film's were used to introduce their character's wants and needs, not their thirty plus years of plot.

   All in all this movie bounces around so often and quickly you never really get to known any of the characters motivations at all. I would love to say this was due to a handful of amazingly over the top and/or careless performances (I'm looking at you Eisenberg) but the truth is all the actors in this movie are actually doing the best they can with the monstrous amount of expository plot they're expected to blow through even in the gracious time span of two and a half hours. You read right, two and a half hours and this movie still felt rushed in ideas yet somehow painfully long, which is a rare cinematic plague I've experienced only a few times at the movies (I'm looking at you Silver Linings Playbook). Unfortunately, no amount of easter egging or super hero cameoing (Flash, Cyborg, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman. Hey don't say I didn't spoiler warn you) could save this movie from being anything more then a series of boring, loud, incoherent scenes.

                                                                               SUCKED

 

 

 

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