Shut Up and Bake That Cake!



The Bible Is Not a Cookbook

  The big flap over state laws allowing businesses to refuse to serve gay people because doing so would offend their owners' religious sensibilities keeps on flapping, so this column is stepping in to clear up the controversy.

All of these "turn the gay away" people cite their overwhelming Christian belief that it is God's will that they disapprove of gays, and that Christian belief is based on the Bible.

Now, the Bible says a lot of things. Not so many as Wikipedia, but still, a crap-ton. Far too many things, and too many contradictory things for a lot of people, including my fact-checkers, to trust it as an unimpeachable source, but for many people it is their go-to guide for life.

For example, the Bible says "Turn the other cheek." It does not say specifically "Turn the other cheek, so that a gay guy can plant a big, sloppy kiss reeking of the three mimosas he chugged at brunch on that one, too," but you could come up with that interpretation. So gay guys might be cool according to that bit of Bible study, but that is not the part of the Bible that these Christians are thinking about when they are refusing to bake cakes for gay weddings.

Oddly, you can search the Bible low and high for catering guidance and find very little. The Good Book does not say, "Thou shalt not make a delicious rum cake with cream cheese icing sprinkled with toasted coconut for the gay Israelites, for it is an abomination." Nor does it say "I am the Lord Thy God and I forbid thee from making scads of tiny cucumber sandwiches with the crust trimmed off for gay occasions."

No, what the Bible says is "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."  That's in Leviticus, which everyone agrees is one of the Bible's moodier books.

First, let's look on the bright side of this rather ominous Word—God is cool with lesbians! No mention of women lying with women! As we've all observed, lesbians make great truck mechanics and fascinating porn, with the occasional TV host thrown in. God must have noticed that, and let them off the same-sex sin hook.

For gay men, the Biblical portents are sort of bad. Gays can hide behind that part of the Bible that says you shouldn't kill anybody, but very few people take that part seriously. They can note that this Old Testament commandment was first given to the Jews, and Jews don't stone gay guys, but let's face it—the Jews have been ignoring the Word for a couple thousand years longer than Christians have. That extra experience means they know how to get away with it.

No, if you're a Bible-believing Christian, as all of these prayerful cake-bakers and pizza-makers claim to be, your obligation is clear. And you're not going to do it. Sure, some of you are in favor of it, but considering all of the state and federal laws against homicide, not to mention the hate crime statutes, obeying the Divine Word would cost all of you the rest of your lives in prison. I don't blame you, but when you tell me refusing to put two male dolls on top of a wedding cake is the same thing as heading down to the quarry to see who needs to get stoned to death today, I've got a word for you, and it's posers.

What about the Westboro Baptist Church, with all those signs about God hating fags? BIGGER POSERS! For all that tough talk, they don't have the stones to stone anybody. They, in fact, want the government to kill gays for them. Just what we need, another deadly, bloated Federal bureaucracy! I don't think that one's going to get through a Republican Congress anytime soon.

So when you read your Bible, and come across the gay-hating bits, you have to train yourself to just ignore them. It's easy—it's the same as ignoring the parts about not eating fried pork skins or Oysters Bienville, or not wearing nylons. You're doing that effortlessly already! Good for you!

Feel better now? Okay, let's get that goddam cake in the oven.


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