Can’t we “Unlove”?



Why isn't unloving as easy as falling in love?

Sometimes, NOT loving someone is harder than loving them. To put it simply. It’s a folly of the human brain’s biological makeup that it tends to get attached to people around. Fall in like, fall in love, FEEL things.

And then when one fine day one of these people says that they don’t want it anymore – your love, concern, care – it’s very tough to let go. That’s the thing, right. It’s very easy to condition our mind, tune it to fit in with another person’s life. Though, of course, not completely, but some part of it, yes. And then with time or attachment and maybe even familiarity, it becomes a part of life.

It becomes routine. We get used to it. We need it, and believe that the other person needs it too. But then sometimes, they suddenly don’t need it anymore. Or maybe it isn’t all that sudden. Maybe one day you wake up and find out that they have been resenting you for a while now, and that they can’t be with you anymore. Or that you are too emotional, short-tempered, reckless, careless or some other adjective that is now attached to your personality and relationship vis-a-vis this person.

Suddenly, one day they say “I don’t want this anymore“. And my first instinct would be to hug this person. Apologize profusely. Promise that I will work on it. Try and make my case to such an extent that it soon starts to look like excuses. Sometimes, I will think that maybe it was a mistake to show my complete and true side to this person. And I am not even ashamed that I am selfish enough to change who I am, just to keep this person in my life.

And then comes the feeling that many of us know all too well. Like my soul was being ripped apart; it was a physical pain, a dull throb that became worse with time; I could feel his/her absence, physically feel it; I couldn’t sleep, or concentrate; everything is meaningless, hopeless; and so on …

Each time this happens, I’m riddled with the same old questions –

  • Why do I never learn? Am I really that stupid?
  • Why do I keep having “faith”? It’s all crap.
  • Where did I go wrong this time? I tried so hard to deal with my issues.
  • Has my life spoiled me up real good?
  • Am I unworthy of love?

Why, I wonder, can’t the marvel that is our brain, undo something just as quickly as it does things? Wouldn’t it be less traumatic to those of us unfortunate in love or relationships in general if there was a better coping mechanism? Something much stronger and logical than a defense mechanism?

I mean, isn’t our brain supposed to help us deal with shit? Then why is it that it’s the one that seems to get us into troubles of the heart so many times?

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