President Putin WRITES

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Vladimir Putin, known as Vlad the Anabolic Steroid Inhaler or simply Brilliant Genius of Humanity (said nobody, ever), WRITES.

Блядь! Will the fascist nations west of Kiev-grad ever stop until they have discredited everything for which I’m paying a fortune to the people at Channel One to say?! Holy Moly, the Ukraine has a lot to answer for. Why, only today I am told that an enemy of the Motherland from somewhere called the World Anti-Doping Agency suggested I was in on a wholesale cover up of drug misuse at the London Olympic Games in 2012. Preposterous! If I come up with the idea of a free sachet of Tuaminoheptane given to each new sign-up by the All-Russia Athletic Federation am I then to be impeached for the consequences? No way, Fidel! Anyway, I would ask, how is such a ruse even possible when I live in Moscow and the games were held in London? Tell me who said they saw me climb through the window of Gabriel Sincraian’s apartment carrying a little jar of coffee and I will have words with them. After all, what possible reason could there be for such a carry-on other than perpetuating the beautiful image of the Motherland as a superpower? Madness! Those days are long gone and we are as open now as we always might have been; ask anyone, including Boris Nemtsov if he was still alive. So, if you’re reading this Mister Enemy-of-the-State next time bring proof before attempting to undermine the Russian establishment with your Western ways. In the meantime to show there’s no harm done I’d like to offer you a year-long Wowcher discount for Itsu at the Millennium Hotel. If I cannot make it I will send two of my representatives.

Vlad.

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