NASA is the Zodiac Killer



NASA has now upped its claim to being the US government’s most annoying agency by changing everyone’s zodiacal sign.

Not content with faking moon landings and concealing evidence of alien civilizations on Mars, NASA has now upped its claim to being the US government’s most annoying agency by changing everyone’s zodiacal sign.

I am a victim of this governmental manipulation. Formerly I was an Aries, the coolest sign of the zodiac. As the web site Compatible Astrology puts it:

The Aries man is a mixture of fearless warrior and undisciplined child. Aries is one of the easiest signs to understand, these are action people, extroverted and assertive. They want to be in charge, the boss, the hunter, the instigator. They are typically confident, fiery, bold, spontaneous and independent.

They left out “drunk,” but you get the picture. I was a badass with some adorable trust issues. Now I’m a Pisces. Pisces means “the fish,” which is not me at all. I kill fish. It’s my hobby. Furthermore:

Powerfully emotional, intuitive, creative and caring, the Pisces man is sensitive and often your most trusted friend. Often exceptionally attractive, his most endearing traits are his humility and love of romance.

Pisces men often sense and feel things which other less sensitive folk miss, sometimes making them seem more than a little psychic and mysterious. They often pick up on the subtle and unspoken, and are often skilled at subconsciously reading signals from others, such as body language.

WHO IS THIS WIMP? Not me, except for the exceptionally attractive part, which apparently I’m humble about. I don’t have any gift for picking up the subtle and unspoken. One of my regularly uttered phrases when the conversation between myself and my S.O. is in relationship maintenance mode is, “If you want something, JUST FRIGGING TELL ME!” and the only body language I clearly understand is the finger you are giving me when I cut you off on the freeway. And I don’t even believe in the subconscious. Don’t try and tell me I have a whole other persona in my brain scheming at all times to mess with me. That’s just paranoid.

I gleaned my astrological information from the website, which, as its name implies, is one of the most seriously scientific sources of information on the Net. Other web sites point out that NASA is not in charge of astrology. NASA studies astronomy, and the change in the Zodiac is the result of the space agency taking note of the Earth’s orbital axis meandering around like a dog sniffing out a place to poo in the 3,000 years or so since the astrological chart was first drawn.  NASA has even, in the way of obsessive-compulsive researchers everywhere, pointed out that, technically speaking there should be a 13th astrological sign, Ophiuchus, crammed into the calendar.

Ophiuchus means “the snake bearer,” which is a chill handle for a guy in a double-entendre sort of way. Since it got promoted from being just another clutch of stars that don’t look like anything in particular to the Zodiac recently, people don’t even know how to pronounce its name, let alone tell what an Ophiuchus man is like. Allow me:

The Ophiuchus man has a fiery temper and is prone to flatus. He makes and breaks emotional attachments easily, especially to women with big breasts. He has at least one superpower, but is unhappy because it is never x-ray vision. He is afraid of all creepy-crawlies, especially spiders and crayfish. He is better-than-average at putting up with your mood swings, if you are in a relationship with him, but don’t trust him with any nude pictures of yourself, because he will put them on the Internet. 

Ophiuchus men make great bouncers, carnival workers and state senators.

There you have it. Another constellation shines in the sky, guiding our thoughts and talents. My work here is done.


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