Humorous advice on how to navigate the treacherous waters of romance on Valentine's Day
I’ve been told I don’t have a romantic bone in my body. This is untrue. My left ulna loves poetry and long walks on the beach and at least one of my ribs has been known to get a bit weepy when watching chick flicks. Other than that, they are correct. I am an incurable unromantic.
Unfortunately, we are all expected to be romantic one day a year. After exhaustive research on the rituals and expectations of that day I feel I can help my fellow unromantics survive the day with a minimum of relationship damage.
Romantic Pitfall: Gifts
Valentine’s Day is like Christmas for couples. You are expected to procure a gift for your spouse, cuddlebuddy, person-you-hope-to-have-sex-with, or anyone else you have affection for. If someone gives you a gift and you do not give one back, you are a cad, a curmudgeon, and a jerkface, and possibly financially liable for the psychotherapy they will inevitably need to recover from that kind of rejection.
Solution: Spend unwisely
Buy an arsenal of romantic gifts so that you can be ready for any level of exchange. In order to be considered romantic the gift cannot be practical or sensible in any way. Although it must be impractical, it can NOT be a gag gift. I cannot stress this part enough. Chocolate is good. Chocolate shaped like poop is not. Minor blunders in gift selection can be overlooked if the gift is red, pink, glittery or heart shaped.*
Romantic Pitfall: Dating
According to Urban Dictionary a date is “Two people getting together for an activity when the possibility of romance between them has been broached but not ruled out.” However, on Valentine’s Day all couples must act like they are just getting to know each other and romantic involvement is still just a possibility. You must go on a date. It must be above and beyond anything you would do together the other 364 days of the year. To make matters more complicated, the male may or may not be still expected to be in charge of this event. It is quite possible for two people to secretly make two very different plans complete with reservations and non-refundable tickets.
Solution: Espionage Although open communication and planning together are signs of a healthy relationship, they are not romantic. Surprises are romantic. Secrets are sexy. You need to find out what they are planning so your plans can coincide nicely with theirs. Grill their friends. Hack their phone. Hire a private investigator. This may be creepy and intrusive in other matters, but it is perfectly acceptable and even expected when it comes to romantic gestures.**
Romantic Pitfall: Food
Food is vital to romance. Unfortunately not all foods are created equal in the eyes of romantics. Ordering the right food can make you a veritable Don Juan, while the wrong food can make your date roll their eyes in disgust and decide they would rather be with someone else. Solution: AphrodisiacsI’ve looked it up multiple times. The internet is positive that aphrodisiacs are romantic. I’m not sure why trying to get someone to want to sleep with you for reasons other than your wit, charm, and rippling abs is romantic. It just is. Keep a list of aphrodisiac foods on your phone and check it often. Your date will appreciate this level of attention to detail. However, and this is important, the aphrodisiacs must be completely natural. Caviar and oysters are good options. Roofies are not.
Romantic Pitfall: Lingerie
You may see ads telling you romance is enhanced by sultry underthings no one in their right mind would actually wear under their clothes. They lie. There are specific circumstances in which buying lingerie for Valentine’s Day works.*** Usually it just leads to fights, which are pretty much the opposite of romance.
* Chocolate poop is still not ok even if it is in a pink sparkly heart-shaped box.
** Be careful about this if you do not already have an established relationship. Restraining orders are not considered romantic.
*** Circumstances include, but are not limited to, all of the following.
It is clearly understood which of you will be wearing the lingerie.
It is the right size.
The intended wearer of the sultry underthings will absolutely not look or feel like a lumpy sausage encased in lace when wearing it.
The intended viewer is already aware of, and happy with, whatever kink is involved with this particular person wearing that particular lingerie.
The recipient considers this a better present than chocolate or beer or heart shaped bacon.
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