I start this post as I started the first, (Karma) previously posted to my blog (Poetically Speaking), in order to reinforce that karma is real.
That the golden rule that hung in the front of the school...
That the golden rule that hung in the front of the school bus and lingered throughout your classroom, still applies to our adult lives...
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." -Unknown
After this past year of my life (2015), I'm almost certain that love is just as saturated with hate and ill-intention as life.
And even though I know that it shouldn't be, it continues to be contaminated by broken people. Now that's sad, but true. No wonder we have such a hard time understanding the concept of love. It's because there are too many people who don't understand what love is, and why love is necessary, trying to "love" people...
So, the reality is, that love is diminished, saturated with confusion and spread, like a virus, by men and women who don't understand its intended purpose.
The more I live, no matter how much I want things to be different, I find that people still have no clear idea of how to love, how to be genuine and how to be decent.
But instead of understanding what we desire so dearly, love, we don't place much value in it.
"When you don't know how to love, it's like trying to read a book, when you can't read. You just can't do it..."-Audreyanna Garrett
I grew up in a couple of different generations, therefore I can function in the absence of advance technology, but today, it's so crazy that people are so motivated by social media likes. And I saw this artistically portrayed in an exhibit at the museum not too long ago...
It's crazy how much people do things for glorified perception.
Developing ideas of themselves for others that are so far from reality!
But why? Why are likes that important?
Short answer is, we are a world of insecure people who lack understanding of self-actualization. We are lost.
"We don't know ourselves so we find that attention from others, validates us in ways we dare not validate ourselves..." -Audreyanna Garrett
When you think about the idea that we live in a world full of selfish people who don't know their worth and purpose, it forces you to come to terms with the idea that the American economy plays on those
insecurities and motivation to promote self-preservation.
That's why there's no sense of community, or I should say there's very little sense of community, in the U.S.
As unselfish as I am, I despise the fact that I have to interact with people who are selfish. People whose intention is always first to ensure their own best interest, despite the affect their choices have on others, e.g. government officials make choices on our behalf with their own best interest in mind everyday...
Yet, despite the fact that we have families who hardly see their mothers or fathers, due to job demands; losing years of time with their children, because they have to provide, decisions are made everyday that put a greater divide in the family dynamic. Thus parents giving more of themselves to an economy who does not support them. Especially when the means of providing comes at a cost, that could be as great as life! Demanded by those who do not blink or lose sleep for failing to give consideration to others, but only themselves. Then wonder why the universe does not take care of them; questioning why they can't find love, or can't succeed in life. When they don't realize those questions derive from lack of recognition of karma. And the lack of acknowledgement that it is real.
Not everyone believes that success is measured in more ways than one. Most of us naturally measure success by accumulated tangible goods, and things that the world views as "luxury". The more luxurious items you have in your possession, the more successful you are. When in fact, success should be measured by happiness and karma.
Unfortunately, based on the culture of this world, to expect that we would measure success in the absence of monetary value, would be too optimistic.
I've learned that when you walk in optimism, you don't prepare yourself for the worse. When you only want to see sunshine, you can't anticipate the clouds. When you see the good in people, you minimize your intuition. You start to believe in what you want them to be, versus acknowledging who they are.
And I had a very hard time learning that lesson.
I always thought that I could transfer my belief in someone, the notion that they could be better or are better than they think, on to them. I hoped that they would accept that since someone else believed in them, it would make it easier for them to believe in themselves.
Instead, in life, I learned that it doesn't matter how good I am to someone, if they don't see the good in themselves, they do not change for the better. They remain broken and continue to break others.
About a year ago I created love and life in the possibility of better. I held on to the idea that a man would have no fear of treating me, the way I had always treated him, with respect, love and fairness. Especially considering the new circumstances...
I believed, without a shadow of a doubt, since we (he and I) created life, he would respect me, be fair and show me love as any man should a woman. The love God intended for men and women to express to one another, even in the absence of a sexual relationship, e.g. common curtesy.
But he had never shown signs that he wouldn't, show me respect or common curtesy that is. So, never did I doubt that he would respect me, and
support me as I had respected and supported him.
But little did I know I had come across a broken man. And no matter how much I tried to mend him, he had to want to put the pieces back together.
I never judged him. For that is not my place. And because I never judged him, I assumed he would never lie to me. What surprised me most about him, was that I had always saw who he was, despite the fact that he wanted everyone to see him as something greater.
But because he understood me, when I called him out on the disconnect from what he appears to be vs who he is (his reputation did not align with the truth of his character), he received it. He merely just knew that I saw what it really was.
So I believed him when we agreed to be truthful...
But apparently when your less of the person you want everyone to believe that you are, you lie. I should have saw it coming right? But I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even with knowing who he was, I gave him a chance to be better. But, ultimately he lied to me, and diminished our trust.
He battled with his conscious over maintaining his perceived reality. Ego and pride motivated him to be less of a man/person, for the sake of self-preservation. And I was the one who suffered most...
Even after we have created love and life (I got pregnant), while he remained present, I could see him battle with following what he knew was right. But, I can't help a boy be a man, and I certainly can't help a boy make the decisions of a man...
It's certainly indescribable to lose a child, therefore quite naturally it would suck even more not have the father of that child acknowledge his shortcomings. Failing to own up to his absence, in that moment.
I often hear men say, with regard to similar situations, "Well maybe he didn't know what to do/say?". But when you're a man, a real man, you find the words, or you find the time.
And even if you can't say something, sometimes being present speaks for you.
So regardless to the reasons why he felt, to him I was obviously not worth being respected, considered or extended common curtesy in that moment, therefore karma will ensure that he will certainly know what and how I felt.
As a man who sought love and wanted most a child, I find it interesting that God took away the one thing he wanted. I assumed it was to show him that he was not ready for the responsibility and that he has a lot of growing up to do.
But as for me, I assume it was God's way of saying "My child I will take away any connection to a man who may bring you greater pain than you can bear..." So I have to walk in the idea that losing my child, was in my best interest.
But you can't possibly understand how to process something like that. Therefore I continue to grieve, because for me, losing King may never make sense...
And because I know him (GOD), I can forgive and not harbor ill intention for ill feelings for a man who does not deserve an ounce of my time, attention or energy. Though, it's too like the old folks say "the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree", and he's certainly more like his father than he wants to admit, but I digress...
What I will never understand, is how a man/woman can recognize the error in the ways of their parents, yet, assume those same errors; instead of breaking the cycle, and being the necessary change.
Regardless, karma will ultimately get you to be that change. But I believe that on some level, we should want better for ourselves.
We shouldn't have to feel or experience why something is wrong, in order to recognize wrong...