My insights, realizations, disappointments, and regrets as I move forward in what little time I have left.
My 25th birthday is quickly approaching. To many who read this 25 years, old may seem young. I came to realizations today that were caused by recent events that come up in Western "adult" life. From being involved in legal matters on both sides of the courtroom. To slowly feeling myself moving away from the temporary but unquestionably empty embrace of another human.
Since the September evening that changed my entire course of life, I have been well aware of mortality, life can be gone lost for millions of reasons and each and every one of us I wish would embrace life and each other just a little bit more. There is so much love we as humans crave and even more we have to give. I’m not going to be a broken record and go into a diatribe about all of that. I accept that whatever greater force you believe is supervising our society and the world does want the best for us. Many times our free will as humans blatantly contradicts that, and we fade away.
Two very significant people in my life faded away due to forces beyond my control when I was the ripe age of 20 years old. It tore my world apart; they were all I felt I ever would need. Now almost five years later I look back at that time and realize that I would be somewhere completely different had I not experienced that loss. I don’t want to glorify them being torn from my life. Although I know that if they weren’t my codependent habits would have only become more and more forceful. Which would no doubt been destructive.
Another maturing thought I have had the last couple of months is that love and companionship are vital to one’s existence. I handled my early twenties in a way that may not have been the wisest. I isolated, shut people out, burnt bridges, and caused others a lot of pain. At the time I didn’t even realize how much destruction I had caused. I was still in the naive mindset that adults can handle anything. This probably stems from having a beautiful, brilliant and superbly strong role model in my life, my mother. I don’t think one can begin to grasp how much love, appreciation, and respect (even though my words may not always show it) I have for her. I never want to hurt her, emotionally, or otherwise. I have done too much of that already.
This leads me to my next point, self-reliance is extremely troublesome for me. I have very opinionated beliefs about society that don’t go unwarranted. I despise the way most of the world is run. School, work, more school while working, then put in a human hamster cage to make money so we can feed our families at night. This has twisted concept has always been a struggle for me. The whole concept of working the majority of our lives to provide for people we love makes me nauseous. We should be spending time with the ones who want to be with us. Appreciation comes with absence I suppose, but you could stop breathing while reading this hodgepodge of the inner workings of my mind. Stop, read that line once more. If this did happen (God forbid) would you feel fulfilled? How would your family feel? We hear all the fucking time when someone we love time on earth expires. “I wish I would have spent more time with them.” the next day we are back in at the grind to continue to support ourselves and loved ones we have left. I suppose this is where the phrase “out of sight, out of mind stems from.” I do not want to live this way, this is not a call for a revolution, this is not a protest article. I just hope it makes you think, and maybe come to a realization (whatever that may be), for me, this year has taught me a lot, been very stressful and most of all full of forlorn. As Ellen’s concludes each one of her shows, “Be kind and love one another.”
love & art, 1991