The fear and hate-laden RNC is over and it took me a few days to fully come to terms with just how much I miss our less insane past Republican candidates and how we should have treated one, in particular, a whole lot better.
Hey Mitt, I know it's been a while since we talked. I saw you give that speech at the Hinkley Institute. The one where you tell the general public what a monster Trump is. You looked good... But that's not why I'm writing you today. It's taken me a few days to fully digest all the hate and insanity I watched in Clevland at the RNC. I dunno if it was the horrible mix of embarrassment and fear I felt watching a room full of White Supremacists try to "make America great again," or if it was the carton of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey my tears had filled (your favorite flavor) but it made me realize something important. I just wanna say, I miss you Mitt. I miss ya bad. Now I know you said you weren't ever gonna run for president again. And I know we should've been better to you while we had you. I know you hate how we never wanted to take that trip to Matha's Vineyard to go wine tasting. I just wanted to say on behalf of the American people we're sorry.
We didn't treat you very well during your 2012 run for office but you have to understand you were a bit of new thing for us. You came into our lives so fast with you magic sex underwear and Book of Mormon, we were just a little bit nervous. But as the campaign went on our general approval ratings for you grew with every speech promise to reduce income tax rates. You allowed us to be ourselves. Your opposition to mandatory limits on greenhouse emissions really made it feel like global warming wasn't our fault. Your 1960's dad like vibes made us feel safe. Your confident and elegant declaration that Russia was our "number one geopolitical foe," was like checking our closet for monsters before tucking us in for the night and turning off the lights.
We weren't all to blame, though. That time you went on Hardball With Chris Matthews and opposed same-sex marriage was a major deal breaker. Plus that one night you got really drunk at my parents anniversary and threw up on my Mom's credenza was pretty bad. But we all make mistakes and treating you like a social pariah was ours. Our new Republican candidate, the one we left you for, isn't working out... We thought it'd be cool to have a "bad boy" in our lives. One who keeps us on the edge of our seats by mocking women and other ethnic groups as well as failing to publicly disavow the endorsement of the KKK and other hate groups. Not only that but one of his sociopathic dual personalities totally forgot our birthdays this year... He made us realize we're not the young and wild kids we used to be. We need stability in our lives. We need someone who isn't a xenophobic mental patient. We need someone who may not be perfect but at least gets us, ya know. And that's you Mitt. It's always been you.