In what observers described as a brilliant diplomatic stroke, North Korea eliminated most of its foreign relations problems today by joining the National Rifle Association (NRA).The People's Republic, previously regarded as an unstable and dangerous ...
In what observers described as a brilliant diplomatic stroke, North Korea eliminated most of its foreign relations problems today by joining the National Rifle Association (NRA).
The People's Republic, previously regarded as an unstable and dangerous international pariah, was welcomed into the NRA by executive director Wayne LaPierre.
"We welcome North Korea as an NRA member," LaPierre said in prepared remarks. "I'd like to point out that this nation already exemplifies several NRA ideals. First, they have armed guards at every school. In North Korea's case, it's to keep the kids from escaping, but it's the same principle. Also, the People's Republic is a clear example of the ridiculousness of limiting arm sales. They have a million-man army—how are they going to keep those soldiers battle-ready if they can only buy three guns a day?
"Plus, North Korea always take the blame from liberals when they capture US Navy vessels or invade South Korean islands, like we always feel the heat when some nut job whose gun rights we have painstakingly protected shoots up a school or a mall or or a workplace or something. It's not like we never felt their pain."
The move to join the NRA was led by North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, known affectionately to his fellow countrymen as "that fat kid."
"This is a move that really works for Kim," a State Department spokesman admitted. "This is a guy who didn't have a friend in the world. Even the Chinese were ready to cut him loose. Now he's found a mother lode of fellow heavily-armed paranoids to pal around with. Plus if you've ever watched any reality shows featuring gun collectors or been to a Gun Appreciation Day, you know there are plenty of overweight guys in the NRA. Jong-un doesn't have that in Korea, where everyone but him is mostly starving. Now he has bros to chill with when he digs into a plate of loaded nachos and starts bitching about Obama."
North Korea also picked up immediate allies among American politicians. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell explained, "Sure, I was all in favor of attacking North Korea when they were a tiny, primitive, nuclear-armed Communist nation. But now attacking them puts us on a slippery slope. Once you take away one NRA member's weapons of mass destruction, where does it end?"
Kim Jong-un himself spoke only briefly about his diplomatic coup. "You can have my unreliable, hard-to-aim ICBMs that tend to blow up mid-air and aren't powerful enough to carry my primitive nukes anyway when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers." he crowed, as he flashed his NRA patch.