The Penis Is the Dipstick



Logically, then, the vagina is the oil pan

"America's Doctor," Dr. Mehmet Oz, recently addressed the National Governor's Association and advised those august individuals to have sex at least twice a week.

The governors were no doubt happy to get this upbeat advice, since governors get lots of advice about things like fixing bridges or making sure their state's kids know how to read by the time they're old enough to buy cigarettes or limiting meth labs to one per state park. Most of this advice is accompanied by naked threats to withhold votes if it isn't taken, so the Doc's  suggestion that the mostly male crowd devote more time to getting nookie was probably warmly received. I would like to report that the governors proceeded to tear off their thousand-dollar suits, grab their favorite sex partners and engage in a massive national gubernatorial orgy, so warmly was it received, but apparently the Oz was just applauded gratefully.

I'm not more governor-conscious than the average person. I can only name a few of them. Here in California we have a recycled governor, Jerry Brown. He was governor in the 70's, when he was known as Governor Moonbeam, and he's governor again. Now he's in his seventies and nobody I know calls him Governor Sex Machine. New York used to have Elliot Spitzer, until he was caught having sex with a college-age prostitute. I've seen her pictures. He was probably having sex twice each morning. Mark Sanford, the former Governor of South Carolina, went all the way to Argentina to have sex, apparently because the women of South Carolina weren't willing to give him the kind of sultry, South American sex he craved. Shame on them.

So I don't really know the identities of the governors being counseled by Dr. Oz, but he left them with one of his favorite sobriquets. "The penis is the dipstick," he told the assembly of powerful pols, meaning that the leading citizen of your Levi's is a barometer of your male health.

This may be true, but the observation that logically follows is that the vagina is the oil pan. The genius of Dr. Oz is apparent in this analogy.  While oil pans differ somewhat in appearance and capacity they all perform the same function. They can, however, be attached to cars with wildly different performance characteristics. You can put your dipstick in a reliable and sensible economy machine, or you can put it in an expensive, sporty model that other drivers are going to be constantly checking out. You can keep putting your dipstick in the same familiar oil pan year after year, or you can swap them out—keeping in mind that you're always going to lose a ton of money on the exchange.

You can, of course, just rent when you need to. A lot of guys like do this when they travel, especially to conventions or Super Bowls.  The "sharing" programs are not nearly as popular as their proponents would have you believe.

The oil pan is not the only place on the engine capable of accepting the dipstick, of course. Some guys prefer putting their dipstick in that other place, typically located more to the rear of the engine compartment.

And if you're the kind of guy that likes to take out his dipstick after he's had a few drinks downtown on Friday night, and you wake up Saturday morning with only hazy memories of the night before, but they involve a model with a deep voice and a big footprint, you can probably consider your worse fears confirmed.

You put your dipstick in a hybrid.

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