Summer Sucks And We All Know It

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It's finally Summer and it is now, as I sit here shirtless and pantless *winky face ladies*, blasting the barley working AC in my sweat box of an apartment, that I declare with every fiber of my over heated being that Summer fuckin sucks. For years w...

It's finally Summer and it is now, as I sit here shirtless and pantless *winky face ladies*, blasting the barley working AC in my sweat box of an apartment, that I declare with every fiber of my over heated being that Summer fuckin sucks. For years we've been living under it's propaganda which promises beach parties, pool parties, and other water based parties when all it brings us is a different kind of moisture in places we didn't know we could secrete it. Summer needs to be knocked down a peg or two (as well as a few degrees in temperature) and luckily for the masses I'm the man to stand atop this soap box and fight back by tackling an entire unchangeable byproduct of our Earth's orbit head on!

For someone who grew up in South Florida (where you're always minutes away from a heat stroke) this is like nature reminding you of that time in college when you did all that "experimenting" you wouldn't want your parents to find out about. At first you looked forward to that "no clothes only blindfolds" get together everyone was talking about. Then ten minutes in you realize it was a big mistake and just not for you. Now you'd like to just bury it deep in your mind and forget about it forever. I experienced Summer year round since I was in elementary school and it's surely worn out it's welcome. I've seen the powers of Summer destroy great minds (with exhaustion) and tarnish the integrity of everything around it (like the A/C in Mrs. Marshall's classroom that they had to fix, like, ten times). Not even Summer's best attraction could make up for people's degrading humanity during it's hottest days. The good vibes didn't seem to exist on that broiling day in middle school when my friend Chris punched another kid in the cafeteria for a bottle of water because he simply"couldn't take it anymore, man." The only fun in the sun me and my friends had was sitting in the freezing cold Jamba Juice while watching other people fight over parking spots so they could seek relief in the heavily air conditioned mall.

What bothers me most about Summer is its unrelenting and jaded fan base. Its like that band everyone loves but is really just a shitty DJ making mediocre beats on Garageband. Oh sure, all the critics come out during Winter because it's "too cold to do anything and they don't own a jacket." They complain during the Spring about their allergies, as if it's not their fault their shitty immune systems haven't evolved to a level where pollen doesn't affect them. They boo during Fall because, well, its not Summer! But yet when you make one little comment about how absurd it is that the air around you is simmering at 89 degrees at 9'o'clock at night everyone acts as though you slapped their new born baby in the face. Summer seems to have a cult like following, one I've clearly never understood and had to fight against for years on account of my disdain for drinking it's Kool Aid (which sounds amazingly refreshing right now). Summer does have one redeeming quality though, it makes me appreciate the other three seasons so much more. By the time the Fall rolls around I'm just grateful to be applying antiperspirant only once a day. It's the little things, the things Summer so aggressively takes away from me, that make the other seasons so great. That's right Summer, I said it. Put that in your solstice and roast it.

 

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