Living in the mind of depression.



Mental illness is real, I have written this piece for that reason because not enough people understand mental illness, or try and understand mental illness and it is very frustrating when you suffer from it on a daily basis and the people you are surrounded by don't seem to understand you.

I am twenty-four years old, so a lot of people don't believe that I have life experience but believe me I do, I am also a very negative person. A lot of people say the problems you suffer as you grow stems from your childhood and I wholeheartedly agree that childhood has a lot to do with who you turn out as when you do eventually reach adulthood. I disagree that your childhood determines who eventually grow into, however, you determine who you are. You are the leader of your own destiny and only you can change how your life stems out, only you can change how you feel, only you can change who you fall in love with and the people you surround yourself with.


Depression is something that lives inside my mind, depression is something that has planted itself inside my brain and grown over years into something massive, I try and shake it off every morning when I wake up, I try and lock the demons away into the back of my mind but they always come back, they aways come back and grip me. Depression affects me in hundreds of way every day, it affects my career and the relationships I create with other people. I can't tell you how many people I have lost because of depression, how many jobs I I have messed up because of depression. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed, I am always pushing myself and I am always in a battle with my mind. I have built everything and lost it all again in the space of one day, I don't believe I am good enough and I am so far from loving myself it is unreal.


Let me tell you a story, I have been in a relationship with someone for a total of five months now, I have lost more than I have gained. I have quit my job as a deputy manager, taken a massive pay cut because I couldn't cope with the amount of work. I couldn't hold down a relationship and a job at the same time but before him I could, I was career driven and ambitious, I felt like I had the world in front of me, at one point I felt on top of the world. I got into a relationship with him when I was dealing with my depression when I was fighting it, I was incredibly focused on getting better but I distracted myself when I got with him. I have lost myself again because I was not ready to be in love, the truth is I am not ready to be in love with him now, the truth is I can't love him right because I am not in love with myself. It isn't his fault, he is kind, he is thoughtful, he is caring, he doesn't have a selfish bone in his body, the problem is me. We are at different points in life, we are different people, we do not have the same outlook on things. I do not love myself properly, so I can't love him properly. We spoke about it today and although it has only been five months I still feel like a piece of my heart has been torn. It isn't his fault, it is not mine, we have met at the wrong time.


In March I went on the sick for over a month, I couldn't think straight, I had no home, everything was messed up, it has been messed up for so long because of my mindset because depression has got me in its hold and it won't let go of me. I regret so much, I am living in anxiety and fear. Every thought I have is almost ALWAYS negative.There are so many things I can't let go of but I want to let go of. I don't understand why my dad tried to kill himself six times, I don't understand why my brother doesn't want to be alive, I don't understand why I hate my career, I don't understand why I am the way I am. I don't understand why this sadness leaks from within my soul, I don't understand why I can't get better. 


It's not getting easier, it's getting harder and the truth is I don't want to be here anymore, I have not wanted to be here for such a long time because I don't make sense to myself, the world doesn't make sense to me. We are humans but I see no humanity. I don't understand why the world is so full of pain, I don't understand why I want to write to release this pain, I don't understand why talking about how I feel does not fucking help, I do not understand why I don't want to be more even though I am intelligent. I don't understand why I didn't try more in school. There are so many things I do not understand but I understand depression.


Depression tears you inside out, it steals everything from you, depression makes you feel bad for things that aren't even your fault. I am depression, I suffer from depression and I can recognize it. I want to outright publically speak about it to people, I want to blog about it and scream from the rooftops. I need other people to know that you are NOT alone and I swear down, I know how you feel. I know how it feels to not want to wake up, but to not be able to sleep, I know what it feels like to live in fear about everything, I know what it feels like to be unsatisfied and unhappy with your life choices because I too am. But I also know that you are the only person who can help, you are the only person who can get better.


I find writing a massive healer, putting my thoughts into words helps me immensely. I don't write enough, I should write more and I believe that. I want to change people's lives, we are all put on this earth with a purpose. I don't want to take my life because of depression, I don't want it to beat me and I will never fully let it. I will never be my dad, I will never be my brother, I will never use drugs or alcohol to fix myself like I once did. I need to be on my own, I need my breathing space. Social media does not help, sometimes having family and friends doesn't help, sometimes you need your own head, your own solitude. Sometimes you need to cry until you have no tears left, set some goals and achieve them. Don't let depression tear you down because that's what it wants.


There are two people in this world, angels, and demons. You sometimes have to sit back and analyze the sort of people that are in your life. You need to cut certain people out of your life if you are trying to beat depression, you need to figure out what your main purpose is, why you are on this earth and if that means travelling until the ends of the earth then do it, you are the creator of your own destiny and only you can make yourself happy. Stop blaming everyone else, realize it's you with the issues and seek help. Some people benefit from medication, other people benefit from exercise. We are all addicted to something that takes the pain away but is thankful that we have these emotions, these feelings because they make us who we are in the end. Only intelligent people suffer from depression because we see the world for what it is.


Depression does not make you a bad person and anyone who makes you feel like that, you need to completely cut out of your life because they are demons, they are only trying to bring you down and you don't want to be surrounded by people like that because they will make your demons win. They will tear you apart inside. 


Do not fall in love with someone until you love yourself because it will never be right, you need to focus on yourself and the more I write the more it makes me realize. I constantly take one step forward but I always take two steps back. My mind is a whirlpool of emotion, I do feel like I am drowning and I know I bring the people I love down, I can't help it, it's just who I am because I don't understand happiness, I don't understand what it feels like to wake up on a morning and appreciate what's in front of me, I just don't. I am determined on the other hand that one day I will.


From today I have begun looking for a new job, I have decided to focus on writing and helping people that suffer from depression like me. We should all stand together as one and help one another because no matter what the earth is always turning, there will always be the sun and the moon until the day we close our eyes and take our last breaths.


Do you want to reach the age of seventy, regretting everything?


We could all die tomorrow and when we face God on judgment day, when we see our life flash before our eyes and there are no happy memories, then what? 




Keep fighting, I know you can do it.


I know I can do it.


Depression won't beat me, one day I will beat it.


But first, I have to love myself.

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