First Gay Caveman Comes Out to His Parents



A Play in One Act

A news item, which appeared under the headline "First Homosexual Caveman Found."

The male body – said to date back to between 2900-2500BC – was discovered buried in a way normally reserved only for women of the Corded Ware culture in the Copper Age.

The skeleton was found in a Prague suburb in the Czech Republic with its head pointing eastwards and surrounded by domestic jugs, rituals only previously seen in female graves.

"From history and ethnology, we know that people from this period took funeral rites very seriously so it is highly unlikely that this positioning was a mistake," said lead archaeologist Kamila Remisova Vesinova.

"Far more likely is that he was a man with a different sexual orientation, homosexual or transsexual," she added.

A Neolithic afternoon. Booga, a cave husband, has something to say to his wife, Ooga. Ooga, who is doing some cavehold chores, has her back to him as he enters the dwelling. He throws a spray of gravel at her to get her attention. Ooga, who knows that that Booga would have lobbed a full-size rock or perhaps a flaming log at her back if he had been feeling his usual affectionate self, turns around with a look of concern on her face.

OOGA: What wrong, husband?

BOOGA: It about our boy. Chooga.

OOGA: He good boy. Always help around cave.

BOOGA: (Furrowing his massive brow) Oooga, there something different about that boy.

OOGA: Him always sing. Him always dance. Him always gay.

BOOGA: Let's focus on that. Booga take boy mammoth hunt. First we do mammoth hunt dance. Jump up, hit own head with spear. Chooga says dance stupid. Wants us to learn new dance. Now before hunt, we have to do Electric Slide.

OOGA: Is good dance?

BOOGA: I like old dance! Booga the best at old dance. No one jump higher! No one hit own head with spear harder! Then we go mammoth hunt. Chooga lag. I say, "Boy, mammoth not going to stick spear into itself." Him look at me funny. Him say he looking for different career path.

OOGA: Shh! Boy coming!

(CHOOGA enters. He is a stylish young caveman. Unlike the others, he has wrapped fur around his feet)

BOOGA: What matter with your feet, boy?

CHOOGA: Aren't they fabulous? I call them shoes. Someday, everyone will wear them. The best people will have a closet full of them.

BOOGA: (Scowling) What mean best?

OOGA: (Intrigued) What mean closet?

CHOOGA: Something to keep yourself and your shoes in. But no more! Mama, Papa, there's no place for me here! I'm off! To the Village!

OOGA: What village?

CHOOGA: The one by the river. Although bathing hasn't been invented yet, the guys down there must at least fall in accidentally once in a while. The trouble with the guys in this tribe is their stench. And you're the worst, Papa.

BOOGA: I need hit you with rock, boy.

OOGA: (Taking BOOGA  by the arm) No, him right.

BOOGA: (Defensively) Me work hard hunting and gathering!

CHOOGA: It's not just you, Papa. It's this fur you always wear. When was the last time you had it dry-cleaned? And you should refrigerate it in the summer.

BOOGA: What summer? For Cave God's sake, this Ice Age!

CHOOGA: That's no excuse. I'm off! So much to invent besides shoes! The well-trimmed mustache! Brunch! The runway! The catwalk! So many fashion lapses to correct before my low-life-expectancy runs out! Queer Eye for the Cave Guy! (He is shouting enthusiastically as he vanishes out the cave entrance)

BOOGA: Well, that's that.

OOGA: Where did we go wrong?

BOOGA: Your fault. I told you not to put that extra letter in his name.


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