The Muggers Comprehensive Guide To Pokemon GO!



There are plenty of walkthroughs and tips for the players of Pokemon GO! But nothing helping the junkies and tweakers robbing them while they stare at their phones.

Welcome to the complete (and unofficial) muggers guide to Pokemon GO! Here I'll give you a step by step walkthrough on how lure unsuspecting young adults from the ages of 21-28 into your devious clutches, all with the simple promise of a Pikachu. So grab your phones and get ready to rob -I mean CATCH Em all!

Pokemon ash.gif

The first thing you're going to do is to pick your starter. And when I say starter I don't mean starter Pokemon, I mean starter weapon. A shiv is a metal type weapon most often found in prison courtyards. It's light weight and small size make it easy to conceal in any XXL Dodgers hoodie or burlap sack jeans you're probably wearing. A sharp pointed Stab Attack proves super effective against Snitch type players. For the sake of the walkthrough, I'm going to pick the shiv (which I nicknamed Stabby) but be sure to take a look at the other two great starter weapons: a 9mm handgun you found in a brown paper bag, and a bloody rope.

Pokemon News 2.gif

Once you've got your starter weapon picked its time to do some research on the different types of innocent victims you'll be scaring for life. Victims come in many different types each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Fitness type victims tend to be elusive and don't often carry valuables while out on their Pokemon/workout outings. High school type victims tend to travel in packs and emit high-pitched cries when attempting to abduct one of their own. You'll gain enough experience to take on these victims in time, but for now, the best type of victim will be the Hipster Millenial type who's ironic attitude will cause them to play the game alone in order to avoid embarrassment while their sense of nostalgia will motivate them to play long into the night.

Pokemon Go sad

Location, location, location. It's what the game is all about! You've got to find the best ways to get your victim from whatever safe Starbucks they're probably in and into the worst and most police-less parts of your city. Find a once major landmark in your area that Google Maps has failed to update since, like an old burnt down building that used to be a bank or a bank that's now a whore house. Drop an incense there, which is a made up thing that attracts made up creatures to a made up place, and watch the poor shmucks blindly stroll into your low-income tax bracket area.

Pokemon Location.gif

Now's the time to put your training to the test. To prove to the rest that you're not just some crack head tweaker junkie looking for some cash for a quick fix. You're a Pokemon GO master! Your victim will most likely be staring down at their phones failing to notice the chalk outline of a body their standing on. You have a few methods of attack here. My personal favorite is the "False Friend" attack. A simple but highly effective beginner attack where you approach the victim, pretending that you've lost something important. Looking desperate as you approach will lower the victims defense levels (Note: This attack may not be effective on New York Hipster types as their "having been mugged twice this year" experience helps them dodge the fake bullshit appearance you're putting on). Once close enough to the victim use your "Give Me All Your Shit" growl to lower their defense levels. Some victims may surprise counter attack you with high levels of strength or pepper spray. If you're met with any hostility whip out your shiv followed by an "I Will Cut You Muthafucka!" to further lower their defense levels and show them you ain't playin'.

Pokemon slapping

If you are playing the special Serial Killer edition of Pokemon GO! Now would be a good time to dispose of the corpse. Be sure to place the corpse in an area where they'll be found weeks later like a stagnant canal under a Central Park bridge. Experience in cleaning up DNA evidence will be crucial to helping you conquer your cities gym by morally defeating its leader, the all powerful Cheif of Police. For further and more detailed tips on disposing of Poke-victims please refer to The Serial Killers Comprehensive Guide To Pokemon GO! I usually decide to let my victims go, counting the traumatic anxiety they'll feel every time they leave the house as a win. At this point you're going to want to flee the area quickly and get back to a safe spot. but before you do it's smart to lighten your load at your local pawn shop. Eliminate all identifying marks and serial numbers from the valuables before transferring them to Professor Z (which is what my drug dealer calls him) for quick cash. If you were injured during the battle there should be an old Wal-mart cart full of used Carl's Junior bags and aluminum cans in an alley. This is where Nurse Glenda (not a real nurse) can stitch you back up to semi-health using the torn thread from her urine soaked bed sheets.

Pokemon gold

Congratulations! You now know all the in's and out's of how to succeed as a mugger and thief in the vast world of Pokemon GO! Don't forget to check in with your probation officer before heading out on your next Poke-venture so they can tell the judge that you're really "making progress."

Pokemon Police


Global Scriggler.DomainModel.Publication.Visibility
There's more where that came from!