Free writing about a tipping point driven by personal demons and the flicker of escape.
Pain just seemed to happen to her she felt nothing. It was part of the process, part of the cycle,
Just something to endure.
Where words failed and help too distant.
When the fear overwhelms and invades all senses,
Just an excruciating need to scream with every muscle in her body contracting and contorting her to the floor; not in pain; in necessity.
The physical unexpected folding and falling was senseless to her. Her body turning in on itself as if trying to push the scream to the surface. Her mouth grasping at the air forming the movements, shapes and expressions needed to achieve a small expression of what was happening to her but not a sound would be made.
Curled up on the floor, grabbing hold of anything close by,
Her own skin.
Anything to enable her body to further express the struggle.
None of it a conscious effort.
A subconscious attempt to communicate.
To the loneliness surrounding her or to herself?
Fantasies of shards of glass, the glass that fed the fire and ferocity of the questions.
Why? What now? What's the point?
Imagining the shards as they scrape and slice, the image is poetical.
The track running behind the blade of the mirror, gliding as a Red Sea simmers and shimmers behind.
The red; reluctant.
In the fantasy; No tears, Fearless.
Not a fantasy of the poetical.
Not the cinematic beauty
The vain hope of release. Of escape.
In reality; No pain. No tears. Fearless.
No release. No escape.
More questions, more turbulent criticisms. If there's no pain. Why?
The conflict inside as she considers the reality.
The conflict inside as it happens.
A voice shouting and sobbing from deep within. Ashamed. Distant.
"It won't make a difference" she repeats and repeats.
The words in affective.
Insufficient and verbose.
Falling into deafness.
Faded and weak.
Then a jolt.
Like lightening in her chest. A. Sudden desire to...
To what. To nothing. Somehow something shifts.
The white space lifts.
Like it never was.
The white space.