Voices

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Sometimes it's hard to understand the voices we hear, and even if we think we do, we don't want to believe them, maybe because we are not ready, not confident enough yet, and we can't break this isolation of the soul.

Like bees they come, in swarms of notes

Of a collective voice,

These words, like petals in the wind

They scatter far and draw a veil

Across the sky, a wave of past

Infections on the streets at night –

For days in loneliness I walked

Chasing a chimera

Till my soul drowned, again,

Like when I lost the man;

A heart of diamond left as cold

And empty as the roads –

For me at least –

My dream has now become a beast

I can’t outrun; I can’t escape;

The very dream I chased,  

Child running after kites

But cannot touch the sky,

Is spent for now, choked

Under ash of shyness sharp,

And left me living emptiness

No longer seeking happiness

Without the wall yet plaster:

A slave without a Master.

Edvard Munch, The Scream

This is just how I feel; I am confused, paralysed in some areas of my life (the social side of it in particular); it's my thing; it's how I turned my life into this; I lost a part of me; on the other hand, I am moving between two worlds at this stage: half here, half in the spiritual realm. That's where I am going, to the 'other side'. I feel I want to scream sometimes, thence the painting, because it feels like I am going crazy. I know I am neither here nor there at the moment. I trust in God though, whatever is right for me, I am sure God will make it happen, even if I don't think I have done a good job with this life of mine. Everything that happens in my life is something to learn from, the voices too, and I have heard 'the voices', meaning the spiritual experience; but I know I am closed, I am not ready to move forward, nor backwards, and everything seems like frozen to me now in my social life: I am stuck in the past of this world, of this life, and I am leaving it in a mess.

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