Shelving IT

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Five years ago today, I decided to put it away. That precious thing that I savored and enjoyed, I take pleasure in no more. I put IT on a shelf.

Five years ago today, I decided to put it away.
That precious thing that I savored and enjoyed,
I take pleasure in no more.
I put IT on a shelf.

It hasn’t been easy seeing it there on that shelf.
But I know I’m better off without it.
That wonderful, exhilarating rush was always short lived.
When the “Feel Good” wears off
I'm left with a sense of shame.

That indignity loomed over me like a dark shadow
Snuffing the light out of my self-worth.
I had to let it go.
Put IT on a shelf.

I had to resist and examine why IT became so important
…so necessary.
That habit was a risk to my well-being…a risk to my health.
So, it’s on the shelf.

Oh, how I wanted it.
I thought I needed IT.
That exquisite Euphoria.
That tingle...
Where everything falls away
And I get lost in that glorious sensation.

I drool just thinking about IT.

5 years in, I have a whole new respect for IT.
There...on that shelf.
Taunting me — Beckoning me to reach for it.
Its pull is powerful.
But I am stronger…I’m the victor.
The champion.
The one in control.

I found insurmountable joy in knowing that I conquered that
Beautiful Beast.
Tamed IT.
Made it my Bitch.

Don’t get me wrong.
I didn’t allow it to sit on the shelf and get dusty and forgotten.
I kept it polished and gleaming
Choosing to admire it from a distance.

A Trophy on the Shelf.

A symbol of pride now.
A testament to my willpower.
An exercise in self-discovery.

This little self-inflicted challenge was an eye-opener.
I dug deeper into my self-awareness and unearthed what was missing.
That shining jewel that lay covered in lies.

I now realize that it wasn’t the physical pleasure and release that I craved while engaged in that carnal act.

It was the connection…
That tenderness…
That intimacy shared between LOVERS.
This…
I hungered for and pretended to share with someone that never loved me.

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