A free-writing attempt at capturing those moments where fading out is a comfort or freedom from a bombardment of the senses; when everyday sounds, sights and smells are overwhelming
Enticing in its familiarity
Terrifying in its ferocity
Alluring in its predictability
Isolating in its contorted comfort
To tired to fight but a light, a flicker of something keeps her here
Unable to catch enough breath
Unaware of the world beyond her thoughts
Self-centred and alone in the thick darkness and heavy silences
It's just wallpaper. It's just an escape.
Silence persists, pushing back on sounds that try to fill it
Music is muted
Voices are lost
Movies make montages to the silence
Listening is a fight when you're so far away.
Nothingness replaces the sounds
The shapes of spectated mouths make way for,
No thundering thoughts of self destruction to ignore,
It's just wallpaper. It's just happening, not a decision made by her.
It draws her in and takes her back
It envelopes her need to be free and need to belong
It taunts her with the impossibility of these desires
An illustrated delusion of hopes overtaken by fears
Irrespective of irrational emotions and empty thoughts
She retreats to a contorted comfort which neither soothes nor satisfies but shields from the physical world
It's just wallpaper.
It's not wrong or right perceived by her or those that know not how this feeling engulfs
It's just now, it's just safe, it's just... what she needs.
Even if she doesn't know it yet...