Growing up as a LGBT christian

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Here are my struggles to reconcile my religion & sexual orientation. I used to think that being a Christian and being lesbian were mutually exclusive. God revealed to me that I am his child, created Just As I Am.

God hates me.
I am a disgrace
A deviant
Queer
Fag – said with spit.
I am unnatural – violating the laws of nature.

But Jesus can fix me.
Yet he hasn’t.
Despite my prayers & faith.

We can make you straight,
they say.
Embrace celibacy
Find men attractive.
Or at least pretend to.
Perhaps they can make me like beets as well.
And plaid skirts.

I can be like them.
They promise with Kum-ba-ya
Even if I despise them.
Can’t I see how God has blessed them.
It’s enough if I just act like them.
Blessed saint of conformity.

My parents don’t understand.
I do not fit their plan for their life.
Their plan for MY life
Do not play the part they assumed I would.

People tell me all I have to do is choose.
They who made no choice.
I am belittled.
Mocked
By these experts about my life.
They seem to know better than I what it's about.
When did I choose – I don’t remember?
Do they think that because I chose the red toy truck
I damned my soul for eternity?

It’s so clear to them who speak with the voice of authority.
They know me so well – better than I must know myself.
I must be a vile creature.
Unfit to interact
Unfit to parent
My gayness may rub off.
Unfit to teach or preach or lead or fight.
Unfit to love.

Imprisoning me is justified.
Killing me is justified.
Tying me to the school fence post
As a sign to others.
Dismembering me and tossing me in the river
Is understandable
Merely because I think you are an attractive lady
and i asked you on a date.

I mock their weddings,
they shriek
With my desire to express my love.
They frown at my joy
and disapprove that I dare hold my lover’s hand.
They deny me ways to express my love,
to share my life.
They deny me the right to ease my partner's pain
And care for her.
To raise our children.
To decide on her behalf.
All in the name
Of what is just and right.

I will destroy what marriage is all about.
Do they mean the male domination of women?
I look for role models.
People to show me the way
Not Exodus
But freedom and love.
How can I love myself if I am so unlovable?
How can I live with such a vile person as myself?
I’m clearly going to hell.
Everyone tells me.
Often.
And loudly.

Yet can hell be worse than the eternal damnation of life?
Can hell be worse than scanning the dark shadows of the street
Wary of good Christian women.
Heaven as portrayed to me looks like hell to me.

Since the dawn of time.
God has hated me.
So the Bible says.
As a child I was told that Jesus loves me.
Now I hear in the bullhorn that
God hates fags.
GAYS are God’s curse, they say.
I bring sin to the innocents they say.
I am not a victim – I volunteered they say.
Even though he waited thousands of years to inflict this so called curse.
Perhaps Hitler was God’s curse too.
For killing countless gays.

At least
drugs
alcohol
sex
food
priesthood
masochism
violence.
masks the pain.

Come sweet damnation and eternal oblivion.
Save me Lord, from those who would save my soul.
 

 

 


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