A warm, truthful and emotional account of one woman’s voyage back to life and living.
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it is about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
In 1979, a baby girl was born in Rhodesia. Her parents were dairy farmers on a beautiful farm called Melfort situated forty minutes south east of the capital, now called Harare. They had moved to Rhodesia in 1976 with the British Army, and had decided to stay.
When she was three years old the little girl told her parents that Jesus had flown with her over Melfort before she was born and said that it would be her home, and that her family would always be protected there. She also sang a song in a strange language. When her mother asked her what she was singing she replied, “It’s Hebrew. Jesus taught it to me.”
That little girl was me.
In 2013, my world crashed down around me when I found out that my now ex-husband, who I will refer to as J in this book, was having an affair. I had met him when I was nineteen. We had been married for thirteen years and we had a two-year-old daughter.
In 2014, I moved with my daughter from New Zealand to Belfast, Northern Ireland, where my sister, Vicky and her family lived. A ghost of my former self, I suffered from panic attacks, insomnia and depression.
Once I had recovered sufficiently, I moved into my own home with my daughter. I had never lived alone before.
One day, I looked in the mirror and asked the question: “Who am I?” I had absolutely no idea.
That question, that moment, saw the beginning of an inner journey that can only be described as a dark night of the soul. An inner winter.
Everything I had thought I was had disintegrated; dashed to pieces, scattered around me. The only way forward was to go within. So that is what I did.
It was not an easy journey. I waded through the kaleidoscope of memories that swirled through my mind, and all the emotions that went with them. I travelled back to early childhood, back to my beautiful home in Africa where I’d grown up. Back through the portal of my mind that I’d firmly shut when I left Zimbabwe in 2001; the farm invasions and subsequent troubles had meant it wasn’t safe to stay. Back into the trauma of a relationship I’d remained in for too long.
In the deepest, darkest moments I shone a light on the walls around my heart; walls that had been encased in stone for many, many years.
As I travelled through the darkness I began to see that everything I had ever thought I was, was just an illusion; a collection of false beliefs that I’d collected along the way. But, underneath it all my true self was still there, untouched.
In this book, I share the inner places I visited and the insights and realisations that surfaced on my journey from fear to love. My hope in writing this book is that it will inspire you to make your own inner journey, if that is what you are called to do. That it will whisper to you to step into your power, embrace your truth, and shine as we are all meant to. That it will beckon you to step through your fear, and into love.
Everything you have ever wanted is within you, just waiting.