The first piece I’ve written and shared with the world. It’s my account of the last full blown anxiety attack that I recently suffered. Not particularly over-dramatised but definitely how I experienced it.
I know I'm awake but I'm not. All I can see and hear when I close my eyes is white noise. Nothing makes sense, none of the pieces fit. Lying prostrate on the bed, I look up to the ceiling, focussing on the small black shape. A crack, a tear or is it simply just a dirty mark? Is it actually there at all? I don't know the answers, but my gaze is transfixed upon it whatever it is. If indeed it is anything. I muse about what it is. I want to, need to understand it. But it's hurting to comprehend it so I just stare, focussing my gaze and not understanding.
Sounds are all around me, swirling, teasing and taunting me. I'm sure I recognise them as sounds, they are audible to me but not legible. What are they? What do they mean? Do they mean anything and do they have relevance? I don't know, I can no longer focus. Nothing is being processed, nothing is coming through. None of the pieces fit! I'm staring frantically around me searching for some sign, some recognition. Everything is familiar yet so obscure. Am I dreaming? I cannot be sure. I pinch myself hard on the chest, really hard! I feel it, the sharpness of the sting. I feel it, the pain and I'm aware of it. That's good, nothing wrong there.
The sounds come flooding through again drowning in my mind as they all fight to be heard, to survive. They scream for attention, violently demanding to be heard. I wrestle with them fighting to impose order, to take control. Then, they submit and are compliant. They all make sense now, everything does. I'm back "online" like a computer that's been rebooted several times after failing to load. But then all goes blank again, and my "programming" crashes and fails once more and I'm gone, staring at the black crack in the ceiling, if it is indeed actually a crack, or anything at all for that matter.
Where is the reason and the logic? Why can't I focus? What is wrong with me? I shake my limbs vigorously and they respond accordingly, albeit surprised and a little concerned at the ferocity of the instruction. This is good, at least they still respect the chain of command. But relief and fear are juxtaposed and they both state their case to be heard. I guess that fear eventually wins the debate and it strikes fast as my breath shortens, chest constricts while my hands grip each other tightly. They all fight equally for justice, for reason and equality. Unable to find any, all goes blank once more. I'm offline, shutdown by the absence of logic.
Back, staring at the black crack in the ceiling. I am online again? Is it a crack or could it actually be a hole? Is there something behind it? Another meaning, another world perhaps? Why is it here, why is it relevant and why cannot I understand? My constant questioning brings panic as I feel my breath shorten once more and I gasp for air. I'm alone, trapped and scared. Nothing is making sense and nothing is coming through. None of the pieces fit. "Sorry, you're not online no connection available!"
I'm here, in the bed, my bed, still lying prostrate. I try to get up but move far too quickly. Dizzied by the experience, I slump back down on the bed. Too much too soon perhaps? My gaze reverts back to the crack in the ceiling. Does it have the answers? No, why would it. I speak out, not loudly though. It's audible but is it legible? She hears it though and reaches out to me, her hand gently caresses my chest. I see her. She is beautiful and I love her. This I know! Her wide brown eyes look deeply into my soul, soothing and calming its mood. I see the love in her eyes and I know it, I feel it. I hear her voice, she speaks to me. The sounds are so tranquil and they resonate throughout my entire being. I smile at her, caressing her face with my hand. I say nothing. She looks at me puzzled as if waiting too long for an answer to the question asked not so long ago. Surely it wasn't too challenging to comprehend? I'm confused again. I heard her speak, of this I am certain. I felt the sounds from her voice. But nothing has registered, I've no comprehension of it. It's only her expression that confirms what I believe has gone before me. None of the pieces fit.
My heart races once more and it feels as if my chest is being pressed with force. The fear is creeping in, but I try to hold it back, I breathe deeply. There is a sharpness in my brain as if a needle has been inserted into its very core. The pain makes me close my eyes fast and tightly and I try to will it away with every ounce of energy that I have. I reach for her hand and hold it as tightly as I can. I love her, I need her and I'm desperate to feel her close. "I love you so much" is all I can say while the sharpness rages through my mind, colliding with noises, sounds, images vague and new. I want to scream, I want to reach into my mind and scrape away at this disease, this pain that's so real. I WANT IT TO STOP!!!!!
I sense the change. A focus, a new mood, a familiar and pleasing sensation. The white noise has gone and the back ground is now full of colour. "I love you too and always will" is heard from her sweet lips and it filters through every fibre in my body. It blocks the pain inside my mind and makes it retreat into the past, a memory. I readily enjoy the tender loving embrace and I am happy and thankful. Comforted by her love, I fall back on the bed. Lying prostrate, I stare up at the ceiling, where the black crack used to be. Now I know the pieces fit!