/ humour


Here In Thailand Babies Floating By Their Necks — All The Rage

A new torment for toddlers has surfaced (if you’ll excuse the pun which you’ll have to) here in Thailand and it involves attaching a rubber ring to a baby’s neck rather than water-wings to his or her arms or a ring that goes round the waist. You then float your victim, the baby, out across the surface of a swimming pool, pond, lake or sea, and wait to see what happens.

            There was an episode of this only last night which went very well. It involved a seven-month-old toddler nicknamed Alice who because of her trusting nature found the whole episode enjoyable. After torment-time,  there was a family celebration which involved grandmamma bottling down a San Miguel Light, Alice’s teenage mum bottling or rather tinning down a can of Sprite, one of the baby’s first cousins bottling down absolutely nothing whatsoever (serves him right!) while everybody guzzled pizza and looked at photos of the gruesome scene. It was one of those “family” affairs which might have gone unnoticed here in Thailand but for the fact that someone sinister attended. A blogger known to the British Authorities!

Quarrel With Authority

The blogger or content-creator whom we shall call The Rimini Triplet Blogger is known to the British authorities for the following : Asking, like Oliver, for more medicine than is allowed, for consuming some of his father’s oramorph (see “Collected Selected Words”), and for wanting to tell the world his dad was not a great humanist (see Funeral-Bouncer Order Episode – ditto “Collected Selected Words” — where he is bound over to silence by his sister at paternal funeral). Given the nature of The Rimini Triplet Blogger, it is of grave concern that he was seen witnessing last night’s experiment.

More Alarming Still

There have already "surfaced" a number of disturbing blogs advocating floating babies by their necks across ponds, lakes and gravel pits in the UK where large pike lurk. Pike are known to devour ducklings, attacking them from underwater, and it requires no imagination whatsoever to see the scene where a baby gets floated and “ducked”, synonymous with “devoured”. Earlier this year, The Rimini Triplet Blogger was investigated for advocating infanticide. He claimed he was reacting to Toy Soldier’s murderer, a child addicted to ice cream, who buried Toy under her sandcastle. However, just recently, the child was vindicated and Toy put on trial posthumously. It is therefore of great concern that The Rimini Triplet Blogger, a callous and sinister content-creator, was at the event last night and may well be already advocating floating toddlers as pike-bait.

Call For Maximum Alert

It is therefore with regret that a call for maximum alert needs to be set up. Terrorised citizens must take on more terror as they face a new threat. “How Much More Terror Can The Terrorised Take?” was an unpopular article some weeks back, viewed by few and scorned by many, but like many matters seems to have been a nasty harbinger for what is surfacing with a vengeance here in Thailand and taking on a new, hysterically phobic form of its very own creation in the UK.

Dire Comparisons

Of equally savage purport is the appearance of numerous anonymous photos of women with long-ringed necks (hillside tribe-folk from the reaches of Chaing Rai in northern Thailand) alongside suggestions that the rubber neck-ring for babes is a good beginning and fine training for later on in life. The authorities are searching for the photo-poster whom they suspect to have affiliations with the Rimini crime-ring run by Toy Soldier from his machine-home in Mafia-dominated but bella Italia.

Direr Comparisons

A Thai-Italian enterprise is producing strange shaped swimming rings with Freudian implications. (Look on the internet for photos if you have a strong stomach. Search "Swimming Aids For Kiddiwinks.) It goes without saying that The Rimini Triplet Blogger is involved in their production.


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