That Man is Going to Give Me a Heart Attack



This is a true story. I'm married to a wonderful man who at times does things that leave me wondering how someone so intelligent can do such dumb things.

I am married to a wonderful man. The one and only Buddy.  We are of course out of town. I am now sitting at the little store/restaurant where I did some of my writing on the first book.
We got to his families old farm Friday. Who cares right?
Sorry but I had to check out for a few minutes and am now sitting on the big front porch of the old home place. Meaning the family farm and not some nursing facility.
Back to the story. We were about to head out to Perkins Mini Mart (store/restaurant) yesterday morning when Buddy informed me he had bought a tracker. The following is a pretty good demonstration of how the whole conversation went down.
"Oh, I bought a tractor." Buddy said.
"You did what?" I was flabbergasted.
"I bought a tractor."
"Because I wanted one." Was Buddy's reply with a sheepish grin on his face?
"When?" I'm still trying to take this all in.
"Just now."
First we live in a fairly large city in a smallish house that sits on a relatively small piece of land. There isn't enough room to turn a tractor around little on be able to use one of those darn things.
"Where?" I saw all kinds of logistic issues with this right off the bat.
"In Cape." At this point you can see the look of confusion on Buddy's face at my lack of enthusiasm.
"I suppose we now have to pick up said tractor and haul it home?"
"Yes." Buddy's confusion is increasing by the minute now.
"And just how do you propose we do that pray tell?" I realize that my confusion must be as apparent as Buddy's at this point.
"We'll just put it in the back of the truck."
"Are you saying it will fit in the back of the truck?"
"Well yes, of course it will."
A little light of comprehension comes on in my brain. "Oh you bought a riding lawn mower?"
"No I bought a tractor." Buddy appeared to be insulted by my label of his new toy.
Now you might think the story should be about over and not much more to convey at this point. Oh no, no, no, no, no.
After breakfast we head off in pursuit of this, God only know what, and the adventure begins.
I now know why men get lost and why they don't stop and ask for directions. They neither know how to follow or how to give them, but I digress.
Trying to follow this guy’s directions, or Buddy's way of writing or verbally recounting them, was less than helpful.
Anyway after searching high and low for this guy’s house we finally locate the elusive place and we finally arrive at our destination. We now own a glorified riding lawn mower. Actually it is a John Deer and Buddy says it's a lawn tractor. If he wants to continue to call it a tractor then so be it I'm not about to take his fun away.
Now it's the end of the story right? NO.
We load the lawn mower/tractor into the back of the truck and head home. No there weren't any incidents on the way home. We got back to the farm safe and sound with no incidents what so ever. Now this is where the story really begins.
Buddy decided he is going to take this piece of machinery for a run around the yard. No biggie. He gets the ramps out, for some reason he puts the hood up on the truck at this point but I haven't had the nerve to ask why, and hops up into the bed of the pickup. He cranks that little bad boy up and starts backing it down. This next part I will never understand.
I'm sitting on the front porch at this point and from where I'm sitting I can only see the top of the cab of the truck and the raised hood. You'll understand why this is important to the story shortly.
About half way down one of the ramps breaks in half right smack dab in the center. Now this should have caused, at this point I’ll just call it the tractor, to go tumbling off the back of the truck right? Again no.
Now for the good part. When that ramp broke the front of the truck went skyward while the tail gate of the damn thing made contact with the ground. The moment that the said tractor was firmly on the ground the front end of the truck fell back to earth with a resounding thud and the hood came crashing down. Instead of the damn thing tumbling over and pinning him underneath he somehow manages to get that damn thing to land on all four wheels just like a cat landing on its four feet. Needless to say it scared the crap out of me and left Buddy visibly shaken.
After I managed to put all my nerves back where they belonged I called a friend. You would think her first concern would have been is Buddy OK, did it damage anything, or are you all right. Once more I must answer you with a resounding no. Her major response was did you get it on video.
Do what? No I didn't get it on video because the last thing I expected was for Buddy to manage to put his Dodge Ram Hemi with mega cab on its ass and its nose turned skyward. Note to self, in future be sure to always carry a camera and have it ready to go anytime Buddy decides to do something that might result in some similar situation. Oh crap I'll be carrying a camera all the time.
I've revised this because when I first wrote it I left out an important fact. Buddy and my anniversary is May 1. Last year we weren't able to go on the actual date so this was our anniversary trip. The reason I mention this now is because it later occurred to me that the man damn near gave me a heart attack on our anniversary trip. Happy Anniversary Sweetheart here's a heart attack.

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There's more where that came from!