FASHION ADVICE FROM THE GURU

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from the Thinking Strange Thoughts series


Summer’s coming and I’m about to give you some really important advice. Do not!! and I repeat not!! Wear lycra stretch pants unless you are a supermodel or an athlete.
Please do not think I’m being cruel here, it’s easy to see how it can happen. You see some gorgeous young thing gliding down the street, looking cool in the lycra’s and you think to yourself “That’s the look for me, I too can look cool in the lycra’s” In fact, believe me, you will look anything but cool in the lycra’s.
The reason I mention this, is because recently I had to visit the big city and I found myself walking behind someone who was wearing the lycra’s and failed dismally to fall into either the athlete or supermodel category. In fact, she had as much chance of being a supermodel or an athlete has I have.
Despite it’s remarkable stretching ability, even lycra has its limits, and this particular set of lycra’s was being stretched to such an extent, I was scared to walk too close behind incase they snapped and catapulted into me like a huge elastic band. For a moment I considered phoning Lloyds of London and insuring myself against low flying lycras, but luckily the garment in question turned left into a store and the danger passed.
I know what you are thinking, it’s ok for a trend setting, fashion guru like Steve, to say this, but how are we ordinary people expected to know what we should and should not wear.
Well, I think it’s just a matter of finding out what suits you, I for instance, and I know you will find this hard to believe, do not look good in a kilt. The main reason for this is that I have the legs of a much thinner man, how I ended up with his legs I’m not sure. To look good in a kilt you really need the big, thick, hairy legs favoured by Mel Gibson in “Braveheart”, mind you I did read somewhere that they were not Mel’s real legs and were infact stunt legs.
Another good tip that a very fashionable person once gave me was, always wear the correct footwear with a short sleeved safari suit. A nice pair of sandals, with say some white socks is perfectly acceptable, but flip flops with or without socks are really not the way to go.
It is extremely important to look well groomed when you are applying for a job. I’ll never forget my first job interview. I wore a very smart, three piece suit, a white shirt, red tie with a matching handkerchief in my top pocket and a pair of shiny, black brogues. My mother stuck a red carnation into my jacket lapel and I nervously went off for my interview. Unfortunately, the farmer said that all of the potato picking jobs had gone, and maybe I should try elsewhere. Still, little setbacks like that can always occur and the main thing is to persevere.
Although, obviously I am now always impeccably groomed, I must admit, this was not always the case. I came from a very poor family and we wore mainly hand me downs. For most of my schooldays I wore my cousins old clothes and these never seemed to fit. Looking back, I think this was probably because she was a lot taller than me.
Steve …on the cutting edge of fashion.

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