A tale of drugs, violence and public transport!
Listen, ah’m no sayin she’s tae take aw the blame, but she’s tae take most ae it. If it wisnae fur that cunt, we’d still aw be laughin an the fuckin polis widnae be looking fur us.
We’re oot fur scotty’s birthday and it’s a fuckin hoot by the way. Guiness oan tap an a even drap a wee bomb ae speed just tae keep us on form. The base wis a wee bit wet, so a dropped double ma normal dose just tae be sure. We go tae that comedy club just aff Glassford street in the toon. Scotty brings ays missus Shaz an she’s fuckin tidy by the way. The cunt knows it though. She’s goat an arse like wan ae they fuckin brazilian birds ye always see oan the telly at they parades or some shite like that. There’s this wan time I caught her bendin er, actin like she wis fixing the lead it the back ae the telly when scotty wisnae lookin but I could tell she wis only daein that so ah’d fling the cock right up her shitter, the dirty cow. Anyway, the only fuckin downside tae scotty bringin shaz wis that a hud tae bring Kelly, an a fuckin hate bringin Kelly anywhere. Aw the cunt dis is moan an watch me like a fuckin hawk. It wis awrite between us tae she caught me sifting through her maws knicker drawer. She went apeshit. Says a wis a fuckin pervert n thit a wis tae get tae fuck. A took ma haun aff her jaw fur that wan. Nae cunt calls me a fuckin pervert as if ah’m a fuckin peepin tom. Ah wisnae even efter her maws shitey knickers. It wis the trammies a wanted. Her maw gets box efter box aff the doctor fur her arthritis but the cunt started hiding them fae me like ah’m a fuckin junkie. Snobby cow by the way. She disnae even use them, jist disnae want me usin them.
So we’re at the comedy club an every cunts howlin wae laughter. It wan point a lost the rag wae wan ae the comedians fur sayin a looked like Rob Halford fae Judas Priest, aw cos a’ve goat a baldy an a goatee beard. That’s as good as calling us a fuckin arse pillager, so a ran over tae the fire exit an grabbed the fire extinguisher an scooshed the cunt but the handle jammed an the fucker widnae stoop scooshin. Next thing a’ve soaked everycunt in the front row includin this wee guy wae a gammy haund. The wee cunt only goat the front row seats cos ae is gammy haund anyway. How dis huvin a gammy haund entitle ye tae mere than the rest ae is? Ah’m no in tae that favouritism shite anyway. Efter the stunt wae the fire extinguisher, the manager tells is ah need tae leave. Ah telt him it was only a joke n thit he should be paying me cos whit a done wae the foam wis the funniest thing everycunt hud seen aw night. He didnae like that wan bit. Telt is tae fuck off, so a grabbed scotty’s pitcher ae carlin n smashed it er the smug cunts nut. Before a know it, some big monster, bouncer type cunt’s folded ma airms aw weird so a cannae move an ah’m being farted oot the fire exit intae the alley like a skittery shite.
The speed’s kicked in big style an ah’m no ready fur the fuckin night tae be over. Ah get greedy an gub some mere ae it but a’ve nae skins tae wrap it up in, so ah jist fire a blob under ma tongue but ah nearly spit the fucker oot cos it taste’s lit fuckin cat’s pish. They say thit good quality speed’s meant to smell lit cats pish, no fuckin taste lit it, or something tae that effect. Ah run roond the main entrance an try ma luck wae the bouncers. Ah nearly goat back in as well until the big, meaty fucker thit lobbed us oot catches us an tell us tae scram. Ah couldnae handle the cunts attitude, but when ah goes tae take ma boot aff the cunt some wido pushes us an a end up oan ma arse lookin like a right cunt. Well ootay order if ye ask me but there’s nae point arguin wae these meaty cunts cos when they say yer oot, yer oot.
A hing aboot outside tae Scotty, Shaz an Kelly get their arses in gear an come ootside tae get us. Scotty’s killin e’self laughin. Say’s ah’m a right mad cunt an pats us oan the back. Shaz is geein us the kinky eye anaw. Gonnae need tae get that wan pumped wan night when the scotty boy’s oot working or some shite lit that. Oan the other hand, Kelly’s geein us the fuckin stink eye lit a’ve made her look a right cunt. Ah’m telling ye by the way, anymere ae this cunts pish ah’n ah’m away.
We get knocked back fae six mere boozers oan the count ae scotty bein too pished an ma shirt bein covered in shite fae that alleyway. There’s nae hope. The night’s over fur us an that cunt Kelly’s pished an hissin in ma fuckin ear, saying ah’m a useless cunt an thit a ruin everything. Ah tell her tae get her fuckin mooth shut or she’ll get it, but that just makes the cunt worse. We stoap at St Vincent Street an this cunt’s geein us it tight, makin us look a right cunt in front ae Scotty. Ah feel ma blood startin tae boil so when a sees the number 20 bus racing doon the road ah jist say’s fuck it ah’n boots the cunt oot in front ae it, but she trips oan they daft fuckin heels the birds wear an she falls right under the fuckin wheels. The bus runs right ower the cunts heid an the fuckin thing explodes lit a watermelon, sprayin wee bit ae brains n skull aw over the road. There’s cunts screaming, faintin a’n spewing everywhere. It’s hysterical, an if truth be telt, when a look doon at her mashed heid ah actually think tae masell that it’s an improvement. Scotty’s geein us this weird look a’ve never seen him gee before an Shaz is screamin lit fuck, makin a right scene. The point ah’m trying tae make is ,if it wisnae fur that cunt, we’d still aw be laughin an the fuckin polis widnae be looking fur us.