Stone in My Shoe

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The story of a young woman newly married, never expecting her husband held deep secrets from her to the point she nearly took her life due to them. She ended up living a life of pain and would often walk with stones in her shoes. Until one day she no longer walked in the pain of the past.

When do you discover something is wrong with your life? Normally when disaster strikes, yes for most, it took Julie awhile, also, her belief systems actually hindered her life’s choices.  Major impact on her life, she didn’t find out till her honeymoon really that something was wrong, but being new to this, after all, he was her first boyfriend she thought it was normal, but it was not, that instance that precious moment changed love the way she thought it was, now she looks back she really didn’t know what love was as she never had experienced it in her heart, it became only words but no true meaning as she didn’t love herself. 

Here she is a young bride with the man she thought she loved who informed her in the supermarket that he loved baby dummies and baby bottles and would wear baby nappies. Julie had heard of fetishes before, being new at this game didn’t know any difference.  Instead of just groceries they walked out with baby goodies too, bit weird she wasn’t pregnant, it made him happy, so he ended up being her baby.

Through the years the so call fetish became normal, as he had normalised it, that word again it was not normal at school, it was special needs.  At that time she was working at a special school, funny that is, she ended up there, she felt at home and loved the students and no judgements. 

All she could think was that her new husband had a disability, incontinence; it took a few years when the truth finally came out that it was not.  Her family accepted him when he was labelled with it, the specialists could not explain why he wet himself as this became part and parcel of the fetish he had, he enjoyed doing it, to them all tests came back negative, and it was psychological. It was the only explanation they had, but they still label him, that bloody word, it made her cringe hearing it. Her marriage cost her lot in a lot of ways, she supported him and while working in the disability field it became a normal part of her life, as normal as it could be.

Often when he was drunk she would change his nappies so she would not have to wake up wet in the morning, often her PJ’s would be saturated in his urine, he didn’t care, he got such a kick out of her changing him, he was turned on.  This routine became part of her marriage to treat him like one of her clients she supported.  He was no longer her husband in her head she was his career.

Why did she not leave him you are probably asking, she made a wedding vow in front of God and the church, in sickness and health till death do you apart and she almost did, she could have died, she didn’t exist, she could not tell her family or friends the truth about what was going on instead she just added it to her hole in her heart which now was bigger than her, it was huge, she sucked up the tears daily, it was part of her survival. 

Julie so wanted to be a mother but the thought of having two babies in the house turned her off completely and every month she prayed to God, please don’t make me pregnant this month, yes she had scared when she thought she was pregnant, that was down to stress, when she found out she was not pregnant she thanked God she wasn’t and she did this for nine years. 

I believe there is a point in everyone’s life when we review it, and this is what Julie did, yes she had choices, but her faith and family told her otherwise, a real no to divorce. She didn’t know where to go, it was getting worse, he treated her like he was the baby and she was his mother not his wife, he would often step out of his wet nappy and leave it on the ground for her to pick it up, and when she said no, was told you are the woman of the house, it’s your job.  Just like his mum cared for him and still did.  Instead of his wife, she was his mother, except when he wanted sex she was his wife. 

But it was not loving as sex she read should be, Julie felt like she was a piece of meat, she was numb inside, she was even more lost now than she was before, love making became a chore and the memory still haunts her today.  I will not go into too much detail but can you imagine having sex with your partner and they whip it out of there nappy and expect you to enjoy the experience, often she would say no, after while what was the point.   When he wanted it he would wake her up, do his thing, and suck her like he was getting a feed and go back to sleep.

The hole in the heart instead of growing started to wither; it did not want to be here anymore.  This time, it meant it, Julie found drinking a bottle of vodka straight added in the numbness, it got it out of her body, and it just numbed her even more.  She no longer was the baby girl who had hopes and dreams of the future she now was this young lady in her twenty’s wanting to die.  She sucked up the tears as she swallowed a drop. “Why me”?  “Why me?” she said, to anyone that was listening.  God, I have had enough, I want to come home she said.  She started to write but the words weren’t from the heart, they no longer made sense. So she died inside.  Julie planed her suicide, her man did not even know she was depressed; he was too busy enjoying his life, his hobbies and being him.

Around this time, Julie had a wakeup call, as she was drowning her sorrows in the bottle of vodka, that’s when things hit home, she finally asked for help thanks to her angels, they pushed hard for her to listen. She remembers seeing a private psychologist who worked in the area of adult babies and their partners, this helped for a short time though suicide was still on her mind. The psychologist gave her techniques for survival, but these fell short as he believe it was her problem and that he was normal and she was not. 

Julie health suffered because of this, being his selfish self,  often Julie’s parents would pick her up and look after her while he did his sports, two occasions she nearly died, she wished. If it wasn’t for the support of her parents she would have. She was prone to chest infections and often her asthma would add complications to her life.  It was sad all she wanted to do was to stop breathing, at least for the sake of her parents it would not be classed as suicide and they would not experience the shame related to it.  Only once in that period, she ended up in the hospital, her lungs and really her heart had given up. 

Here again, Julie was fighting, but why, to live she really didn’t understand this, where was the loving caring man she meets so long ago, was this a front, yes it was, he got what he wanted and she got nothing. Julie’s husband spent their money as fast as it came in on his toys and he had many, but what did she have?  Nothing, she shopped in second-hand stores for survival and often went without, she got sick of him telling her we are on a budget, and then he would spend thousands, or join get rich quick schemes.  While she struggled to pay the bills the mortgage, the extra bills for the nappies the ones the hospital didn’t supply or the adult stretch and grow and other items he needed. He spent thousands on adult baby products and specialised nappies that were made for people with incontinence. Not someone who believed he was an adult baby.

Often he would arrive home from the supermarket with baby bottles and dummies and expected Julie to treat him like he was their baby. He would often walk around the house proud as can be in his nappies sucking on his dummy or drinking from his baby bottle.  People in the neighbourhood started to ask questions re the nappies on the line.  “We didn’t know Julie was Pregnant.”  They seem to except it when she told them they were his husbands, as he was incontinent.  If only they knew the real truth behind the hidden doors.

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