PATTAYA / THAILAND / THE DRIVEL

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a "story" about changing a book three times

INTRODUCTION

A friend whose opinion I value (more than my own) told me to dissociate myself from "Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me / Sex Adventures In Asia" by yours truly because it didn't do justice to the seriousness of my writing. He told me to cut out the pointed stuff (which all came from "Collected Selected Words"), write and rewrite the drivel which is "Sexy Thai Bar Girls....." and keep the good, pointed stuff for a new version of "Collected..." called "Great Tits I've Known (And Other Species)". He berated the "fact" that I seemed to invite my readers to think me frivolous by underrating my very own stuff and linking it to populist titles like "Sexy Thai Bar Girls..." in the hopes of enticing (for the wrong reasons he pointed out) a few more readers. He also told me he was a trained boxer and that he was going to give me a piston-punch.

After I got up off the floor, I agreed with him that I just had to change the book for a third time, include the drivel without a link to the serious stuff, and get the serious stuff out on its own.

WHAT I AM DOING

I can give you an example of what I am doing. Here is the sort of stuff I'm writing for "Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me / Sex Adventures In Asia".

PATTAYA / THAILAND

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an old man who hits Pattaya becomes as young as the woman he feels, and that’s twenty-one. I have seen so many old codgers, and here I am looking at myself in the mirror, become young studs, handsome buffaloes, sexy men, big hunks, love-gods, babe-magnets…whatever. We become it, and strutting our handsome stuff down Beach Road or wherever, we lay the girls and the guys (usually by mistake) as if there were no tomorrow.

TOMORROW

When tomorrow does arrive, we catch the ‘plane back home or we pay our hospital bill, convalesce, and catch the ‘plane back home, or we file for divorce or bankruptcy, and catch the ‘plane back home. Some of us, though, seek for more immediate relief and you can see us imitating batman (unsuccessfully) off the tenth floor of our condo block or hotel extravaganza. We become sad statistics. If we survive Pattaya, its alluring ways, its guys, gals, ladyboys and others, we might plug on till we are found head down under the bed with legs in the air, victims of massive strokes, or there and then happy-to-meet-you-grim-reaper coronaries.

But I joke.

Pattaya is not that bad. The sexy Thai bar girls are everywhere even if I am not and I assure you delusion can well take a long seat in your cranium if you forget certain rules. What they are is not for me to pontificate on but rest assured, common sense will help you out, and heaven protect you if you are one of those without any!

I imagine you are fretting for a bit of the action. After all, this book is subtitled “Sex Adventures In Asia”. Of course “adventures” is a bit of a broad word with multiple meanings and not all adventures have happy endings though this soak wishes they did.

Another thing about what you are about to read is that soakery is present. It would be difficult to write a book called “Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me / Sex Adventures In Asia” without a medicinal spoonful or two of the old intoxicant. Like “Retox”, my favourite watering-hole near Soi Buakhao, I laugh to scorn those who point out that tox and toxin are a trifle too similar for immediate dismissal.

Immediately dismissed.

I think you get the drift. I’m as reckless as a rhino up your nose. So join me now as I plough through the bars and end up in bed with four hundred or so beautiful Thai bargirls and seven ladyboys (by mistake).

 

WALKING STREET BARS

Lek which means “small” in Thai was a great lay. She was free-lancing in a bar on Walking Street. If I had met her on Beach Road an hour earlier, she would have asked under 1000 baht but I met her near Crazy House Agogo on Walking Street and so her price had doubled. It was a great lay at the time but afterwards seemed repetitive. She introduced me to her friend and everything went well till I sucked the drug on her nipple. I didn’t wake up for two days.

These are two sex adventures – one to remember (if possible); the other to forget (if possible).

     

CUNNING BEAST

I usually go into the agogos and sit silent like a cunning beast. If a young bar girl comes close and stands so near it is impossible not to have a sally with the old hand or two, I ask to meet the next day, claiming poverty. Tiitterang, so she claimed to be named, nicknamed, met me the next day and we consumed our passion at 2.31 p.m. By 3.30 p.m. I was reading “War and Peace” and Tiitterang was asleep in her ragged room, waiting to wake up and scooter it to her agogo for 7 p.m. If the working girls are late, they are fined. If they are early, they are fined. If they don’t get lady-drinks enough, they are fined. If they give smartphone-numbers to clients and are seen, they are fined. If they are not fined, they are fined. Their fucking lives are a misery but subtle guys like me mill around the social ills and the agogo-rules-and-regulations, dipping our snouts into as many oaty troughs as we can find and neighing with delight when and while we get our oats.

You may well be thinking, “Damn you! Where are the sex adventures?”

“They’re here,” I reply, “only I’m just filling in.” And while filling in, make sure you note those smart phones I just mentioned. They’ll be expensive and heavy and jewel-rimmed which only goes to show that selling your pussy makes a substantial sum.

Met Yaba (also a Thai drug similar to speed) in a Thai run agogo. Great bum, small, pert tits, a nice, little, childless hoy and it went so well I dated the dame for two years if meeting up in a hotel every week for an hour-long hootsy can be called dating. Which of course it can’t unless you’re me when it can. We did lots. I even took Yaba to Rayong and tried it on there. She kept phoning mum. That got my goat but I kept it to myself. Two years and then she got married to a south Korean. I knew nothing about it till the last day when taking me aside and giving me a box of Thai Kleenex-tissues she told me she was married and flying out by Suvarnabhumi on the early morning flight to the capital of Korea which I know begins with “s” but which I wouldn’t dream of mentioning but can refer to in passing as Soul. Too painful to remember the real name. Of course I wish Yaba success and luck but if she divorced and came back home into my open arms, I wouldn’t be unwelcoming. I might actually jump for joy.

The adventures are everywhere, and if you’re lucky and have your inheritance in the bank you can meet a sex adventure that lasts and settle down and get a good meal every day, a bit of hassle every day, and the rest every day. It’s called a long-term relationshit or for the sake of coherence here in this book of mine a long-term sex-misadventure in Asia.

And that just about concludes the sexy Thai bar girls in Walking Street bitsy of this booksy. There are too many to write about and the adventures, the good ones, the bad ones and the ugly ones, too many to write about…all waiting for you, “hypocrite lecteur”, my friend and reader, just waiting to grab you by the short and goolies.

In case you’re interested in closing this book before you’ve even started it, that’s virtual closing not physical, I hope, that is, this is what you’ll be missing – sections on the following:

      L. K. METRO BARS

      SOI BARS

      HOMEMADE BARS

                    &

      PRISON BARS.

Dissociated, dislocated and divorced from "Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me / Sex Adventures In Asia" 

 

 

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