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Every day -

two to three times a day

for about the first 4-6 weeks . . .

by this amount of time

I've usually either said something stupid

or

committed some other violation

that I should have known better

than to have done

though it's likely I had

no idea

or inkling

that what I did upset my beloved. . . 

or, for that matter

even registered as an offense

punishable

by the curtailment of sexual enthusiasm

and the tragically accompanying

drastic reduction in frequency of sexual activity

at only 2-3 times a week and only at night. . . that is. . . as long as the nights do not follow on a day where work was particularly trying the day before or that work must either begin early the following day or that the following work day is reported to be one "from hell" — and that any of those nights or other opportunities where sex might be possible do not happen to fall on the same day as a book club meeting, yoga class, maternal phone call or visit,  migraines; PMS, baby showers, rain, high humidity, or the final episode of any network tv talent search, mini-series, or Lifetime Movie premiere or any award shows including Miss USA, Miss America, the Oscars, the Tonys,  the Grammys, the Peoples Choice, the Emmys, the Golden Globes or any other event, episode, or show where there is the possibility that either Ryan Gosling, George Clooney. Jason Stratham, Hugh Jackman, or Tim McGraw may show up, or have been rumored to attend  shirtless.  After another 2-6 weeks, I have usually smiled too big at the Starbucks girl or complimented another female about how good she looked or how nice it was to see  her without noticing all the screaming obvious clues and tells that the girl in question was by every item and criteria of some female tome of wisdom and truth . . . the Very, very arch, arch nemesis, she-devil, vixen, home-wrecking harlot, fiend rival of my significant other who insists it was just obvious the way she fluttered her eyes and said "Have a nice day, Ma'am" was code for "I'm a gonna steal your man, bitch." and therefore should have tipped me off her real reason to be wherever we happened to run into her that day was a carefully, pre-meditated intentional, nefarious plot to sabotage our love and insult the delicacy of my sweetheart which will from this point forward reduce our actual sexual activity to once or twice a month vis-a-vis every other Saturday and only after at least a 45-90 minute discussion about where this is going and how important it is to have a relationship built on mutual respect and admiration for each other's life path and spiritual destiny rather than attachments based on shallow ideals, lust, sexual desires, physical attraction and arousal chemistry. After that.... If we are still in a relationship, still speaking to each other, and not willing to trade what's become familiar for the possible traumas, insecurities, and liabilities associated with pursuing other options... It means by 21st century standards, we're married and therefore only having sex on select birthdays, anniversaries and holidays as long as I still have a job, remember to put the seat down, and can kill a spider with my shoe without leaving a splatter mark on the draperies..

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