A guide to finding the lost part of yourself after the mourning of a lost relationship.
I was showering tonight, and something brought me back to my first year away from home. If I only knew then what, I know now. I would have never wanted life to progress; I would have soaked in those moments held in your arms of safety. Looking back it was as if you were preserving my innocence. Most of what you loved about me, was my zest for life, my carefree attitude and the way I so innocently threw caution to the wind. I think the traits we loved most about one another is what led to our separation.
I found your loyalty and love for me, for your faith, and most important to you was always your family. Your love for humanity was incredible.
We couldn’t have been more opposite. You were Christ follower. Instead, I was not suppressed by anything but, you were the exception to that rule. Like a lotto winner who had forgotten what life was like before the winning numbers, I lived as if our differences in beliefs could dance in harmony. We weren’t wise enough to know that Disney movies had been just unrealistic adaptations of the human desire to love unconditionally. I can’t help but, think if you had been raised as a freethinker if our story had lived on. I can’t think that way, though, it’s just too painful. Writing this, my chest is heavy; teardrops fall. I loved you, and nothing will lift that bond.
I have to remind myself, that my life will never shoot me with a dart that wouldn’t break me. Sure, my body may have shed some blood and tears. I am an entirely different person. At this point, I have to believe it was for the better because five more years from now, who the fuck knows. When you left me five years ago, I would have thought I had a better chance at becoming a superstar than I ever would have imagined your departure. Still, to this day, that day will and always will be the most painful, excruciating day of my life. The song you wrote, will forever live in my ears, whether through technology or memory. The impression you left, taught me things and many will never get the chance to experience the beauty of innocent love.
To hand your open, honest heart to someone, with no second thoughts. Then say, “Here, take the most intimate part of me, the most fragile yet human piece of my soul.” You taught me to trust and love without fear. Some may say I live a jaded, isolated existence, but I couldn’t disagree more. Only you will know what I am feeling. The fact that I will always share those memories with you, and know what we both learned. I would do it all over again. Wherever you are, I hope life is treating you with the compassion I know you deserve.
With love and appreciation,
“Your Angel From Above,” (February 14th, 2012)