The Tenant Liaison Officer



Short samples, the first in the series showcasing short true, yes true stories showing what happens when builders, construction workers and tradesmen meet members of the public in their homes, as we build towards creating a screenplay for television! Shameless for the Building Industry!


“Aright Jimmy lad!”
“Orate fella, what she fucking like?”
“Oh my lord she’s fucking hot, fucking sexy ass nurse to boot, single blonde and tits to die for!”
“Ha-ha lovely jubley!”

Jimmy and Tony are in a kitchen doing some snagging after the builders have finished, getting the house ready for the council handover.

“Look at these fuckers Jimmy!”

Tony is only in the fucking laundry basket, after searching he has found a small blue g string.
Jimmys eyes are ablaze.
He takes the knickers in grateful hands.

“Fucking hell fella she hot!”

Clutching the g string, he goes into the front room and his eyes see a recent picture of the tenant.
Blonde and beautiful, jet skiing on holiday with her friends in a yellow bikini, he rushes back into the kitchen with the photograph in hand.

“Fucking hell Tony, that her?”
“Thought you’d like her you dirty cunt ha-ha!”

Jimmy then quickly positions the photograph in it’s stand on the newly finished kitchen work top, and as Tony watches boggled eyed, lays the g-string neatly in front of the picture and begins to sniff the perimeter of the garment until finally reaching his starting point, flicks the small pair of g strings into the air and neatly catches it in his gaping mouth with a snarl, starts shaking his head side to side as he intently stares at the photograph of the beautiful tenant.

At that same moment the door opens and in steps the tenant liaison officer, Julie, a fit lady of 43 with bright red nails that could take out your fucking eyeballs at a meter.

As Jimmys party trick of catching soiled knickers commences, she coughs breaking the snarling noises and now the two workmen have bulging eyes!

“Nar then you pair of dirty cunts, I have been waiting to catch you two for weeks now, tenants complaining about knickers drawers been rifled through, clothes missing, sex toys moved. Looks as if I have caught you dirty fuckers red handed!”

Jimmy spits the now soaked knickers onto the work top; he looks scared, Tony, eyes agog, is speechless.

“I wondered what I’d do when I finally caught you two fuckers, would I ring the site manager, police or even report you to head office, mmmm now let’s see now!” She purses her red lips.

She pulls out her phone.

Jimmy starts pleading,”Julie, please Julie it’s only a fucking laff. Bit of banter like!”

“Bit of fucking banter, what would Donna say if I told her the workmen in her house were slinging her knickers in the fucking air and chewing on them as one of them stared at her picture imaging what Jimmy, that you were plating her!” She looks him directly in the eyes.

“Err no, please, was a bit of banter with me and T!

She sharply turns to the other bigger workman.

“And Tony, what the fuck was you thinking letting this dirty fucker (she points at Jimmy) eat a tenants knickers, you should know better been the finishing foreman!”

“Julie, come on now, you know how it is with Jimmy, fellas a mad cunt!”

“Never mind fucking Julie me, you are in charge and how am I going to turn a blind fucking eye to this shite!”

“Jimmy, Tony, well! Is it site manager, police or head office?” She leaves the statement hanging in the air as she looks at them both.

They both now realise she not kidding and understand the implications if she makes a call.

“Julie, please, please, it’s my job, and I’ll lose my house!”

“Well Tony, you should have thought of that before letting Don FUCKING Juan eat Donnas’ underwear!” (She points at Jimmy who is looking more sorrowful by the minute.)

“Jimmy MATE, were fucked now! Julie, what can we do to help you forget?”

Julie’s eyes glint, “Well now you mention it! Ha-ha I have filmed you two dumb fucks through window too!”

“Holy fuck!” Jimmy starts to cry.

“Am fucked, am fucked. My wife will leave me for sure, kids will know daddies a fucking knickers’ eater”

Julie seeing Jimmy crying, feels empowered to have two burly workmen in the palm of her hand.

“Seeing as you’re both fucked, I have a plan but it’s a big fucking but!

“But what says!” Tony.

”Well me and Arthur spilt last month and my pussys been on fire ever since, the way I see it, one of you needs to put out the flames so to speak, Jimmy, show me your tongue!” She points.

Jimmy sticks out his fat tongue.

“Now you Tony!” She points again.

Tony does as he is told and presents Julie with a wide long pink tongue.

“Well Donna told me today that she’s out until five and only coming back when the workmen have finished. Way I see it, Jimmy will follow me upstairs when I am ready, get me warmed up and then when I whistle, Tony, you will finish what he has started!” She looks sternly in their quivering eyes as she speaks.

“Any fucking question!” Spoken sharply.

“Well it’s on then, Jimmy, give me a minute, lock that fucking front door and you Tony, get fucking snagging until I whistle for that fat long tongue, mama needs cooling down! Hahaha.”

As she walks upstairs she’s laughing as Jimmy and Tony stare at each other.

“Were well fucked mate!”

“Jimmy, mamas ready!”

He makes his way upstairs in silence and as Tony watches him, he slowly realises that fucking Julie is the dirtiest fucker on site!

“Fucking hell TLO is fucking worse than us!

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