Up and Down

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Fighting with the sadness is a long road of ups and downs

Lying in bed i was looking at sun rays playing with particles of dust in the space between me and the ceiling. They were running around, jumping and tangling one in another, and the ceiling was white as ever, with its cracks showing filthy hidden tiles of concrete that looked like clay before beginning in an oven, but that didn’t interest me, the cracks in the ceiling were the interesting parts. Thin winding cracks almost imperceptible to an uninterested by passer, but not me, i can see them, i can trace them and i am absorbed by them to the point of not even wanting to get up. And even if i were to get up what would that change, i would only fail to be a decent human being, i better lay here with this futile cracks to which i feel a sort of respect, at least they are there and don;t bother anyone. I have been neglecting my medication again, and this is why I am in this state, and even though I realize that I have to get up and get them i can’t, i just can’t and it hurts me and the hurt only makes things worse. I need to stand up, only to stand up, move not too many muscles, two or three, some bones, and not too many neurons should be used, come one body, come on, up, get up. I am still on my bed, i feel the surface of the bed sheet that traps me in, it has chained my legs and arms to the bed, or has my power vanished, one of the two, probably the second one. God damn it, get up, get up, get up. I feel a micro tingling in a leg, I raise a bit, the slightest bit and this makes me happy, and then they go down and I am low again, but i got the hand up. I try again, and now I am a little more successful, the therapy has helped me, back at the start i couldn’t have done this alone but now i can. I am seated, and i can see the cabinet in which the tablets are right from here. Slowly, next step is to get up, not too much, not too little, i am seating so getting up should be not that hard, but it is. I am up and feel spent but 4 steps should get me there, only four steps . 4 steps, that’s a distance, no it’s not, but yes it is, argh. One, this is hard, two, why, three, i want to give up. Four, i am here, i won, or did I , it is still in the second compartment i still have to open the cabinet. Now extend my hand under 45-degree angle, grasp the knob, grasp it, one more try, here. I feel the cold wood in my hand and no power left to pull, but i do it anyway and it’s barely open, but the pack of pills is there. I take one and gulp it down. I win for now, but I don’t know how i will win tomorrow, but i’ll probably win, or not, i don;t know but i will try

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