You will never read this as I donʼt believe you lead with your brain nor use it. In fact, I donʼt even know if there is one in your flesh. I donʼt mean that in a belittling way. When we first met, you had no life in your eyes. Although your beliefs align with mine, I was open minded and wanted to bring color and life to your gray, downcast eyes.
Whatever had eaten you internally. I wanted to bring back the life somehow I knew had once been there as if I knew you in a previous time. Like an amateur magician I practiced and pursued for seven whole years. I donʼt want this misconstrued but, that chunk of my life was exhausting and ultimately itʼs what led to the state I was in when we went down our paths without one another.
I realize now; you cannot adjust a human, for that is playing God. The universe doesnʼt take kindly to those who attempt that role. Since we let go of one another, my life hasnʼt become better nor has it grown worse. Itʼs just different. I remember, when you would leave my side, that door closing felt like you were shoveling the last heap of dirt onto my face. It felt as though I couldnʼtlive without you, and this took a year or two to come to terms with you wouldnʼt be coming back ever again.
My life now is very withdrawn, whether conscious or not, at first, it was unmistakably difficult as my complete story up until our chapter closed, I always had someone around. I will confess, Everyday something reminds me of you. I will admit, every day something reminds me of you I live in West Hollywood now. You would have loved living here. Even living here little marks where we made memories stay put like hands in the concrete. I canʼt help but walk by the Staples Center and remember the 97 hours we waited with our “paws up,” waiting to see (at the time) our Queen, I wonder if you still are as devoted to her as I? If you have betrayed her, then Iʼm glad our relationship came to an end. As that would a huge red flag that you were nothing but smoke in mirrors.
Towards the end I began to notice and realize you were nothing but a chameleon, you had no idea who you were. You become a doppelgänger of whoever you latch onto, nothing but an atomless shadow mimicking their every move. It makes me sad now that I think about it, not for you but myself. The fact that I realized the whole time you were nothing but a facade.
As much as I love whoever you were, and that love will never terminate. For when I love something, there is no going back, my love is still how it was defined 100 years ago, a word we rarely hear any longer; unconditional. I love you although I never really knew you. I hope somewhere deep down you take a moment to find you; I hope that ink embedded into your left wrist is a somewhat true statement of whatʼs inside because as Lana Del Rey says, “It takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.” Your absence has allowed me to find my freedom, I live freely through my dark fantasies, seedy motel rooms alone, smoking substances only the devil could conjure up. Living a life that most humans would scoff at, but I enjoy life now.
I am happier alone, in a seedy hotel room living life to the fullest. I have no desire to sit in a royalties throne, with wealth pouring down on me because that isnʼt liberty, that is nothing but another facade, if stripped away from you, you would be lost for eternity living life as nothing but, a background performer or a zoo animal. When what you have defined you, that is the ultimate waste of human life.
Love & Art, 1991
e.x. Henk Holveck