This is the first post of a series of posts which poke fun at Fifty Shades of Grey. I've used my stories from dating and friend's stories from dating to profile fifty real men in the dating pool. I start at the bottom with those in poverty and work my way up to one drunk of a millionaire.
Let's start at the bottom. People who make a million or more a year are in the upper 1% of the nation. However, at least 15% of the U.S. population lives in poverty. Here are eight shades of Rey you might meet on dating sites or elsewhere who exist at the poverty level.
#42 Rey is disabled, but he did not get a large settlement for his back injury. Many people continue to work with a herniated disk, but Rey is not interested in staying in action, working through the pain, or helping others. He eats a lot of fast food so that his weight will encourage his doctor to keep labeling him as disabled. He lives on a small disability check and welfare. Rey is a depressed dad, and the kid’s mom is not in the picture due to drug and alcohol issues. His kids watch YouTube videos all day long. Rey doesn’t read books to them or read books himself. He surfs the net, looking for his next soul mate/savior. He often says things like, “I had went to the store last week to return something,” or “Her and I use to date.” When you suggest that he could improve himself by learning a few grammatical rules, he says he has no interest or need for grammar, and a woman should love him exactly as he is because his mom does.
Rey has ideas about how to make money on the side like growing a vegetable garden, but he says he is waiting for a woman to love him and give him a reason to grow organic vegetables. Translation: He wants you to pay the workers to start this organic garden/business. He might work a few hours at the vegetable stand, especially if he can interact with pretty young women buying vegetables at a Farmer’s Market. Everything else related to work will hurt his back. He will actually tell you that his main goal in life is to get something for nothing. He believes that people should pay him for his ideas and do all the work for him. His parents bought into his idea of doing something for him for nothing in return. He says his love is all they need. Is that all you need? They bought him a house, and he offers you half of it. Translation: He can’t afford to do the repairs and wants you to pay for the repairs and split your hard earned money to support him and his kids. He seems younger than forty-eight, but if you really look at him in the right light, you can tell he is almost fifty. Of course, he thinks he looks like George Clooney. He doesn't.
When you tell him you are not interested in dating, he will be spiteful and say and do anything to get under your skin, even cropping a picture of a more attractive woman than you from Facebook and saying that he is dating her but not exclusively, just having a blast fucking her. What will anger you the most is that he is dishonest and wasting your time with his nonsense and spite. He obviously has a lot of time on his hands and could be a much better person if he found a passion and committed himself to the work it takes to make that passion a reality. He could provide a better life for his kids, but he doesn’t want to do that. He waits and searches for his “soul mate.” He threatens suicide if he can’t find her, and finds ways to get insurance companies to pay him money for things he may or may not have lost.
Rey is the first man that makes you question the welfare system. You’ve been a liberal your whole life and cared deeply about poverty and suffering in the world. However, this man annoys you, and when you look at what is taken out of your check each month, you hate the fact that it goes to someone like him. For the first time in your life, you have a bit of anger running through your veins like a damn fiscal conservative. However, you know though that poverty is a cycle and hard to get out of. This particular man may not be trying, but plenty of others are trying.
#43 Rey is trying. He had a drug offense as a teenager carrying more than a gram of marijuana. He’s in community college and working as a bouncer late into the night; his ex-girlfriend just told him she’s carrying his baby. He wants to get to know you and date you, but he is stressed out and wonders how he is going to make it now that he’s heard this news. Rey decides that it is easier to go back to his ex. He tells you that he needs to be with her, at least until he completes college and their kid grows up a bit. He looks much older than twenty-eight. The weight of the world rests on his shoulders each morning as he sits in class next to you.
#44 Rey is also trying. He’s a disabled vet, but he doesn’t get benefits because he was dishonorably discharged due to PTSD related issues and an undiagnosed brain tumor. He has the tumor removed and comes back to class a few weeks later. You stayed out almost as long with the flu. Rey is incredibly strong and has flashes of brilliance. He writes amazing poems and stories. Later, Rey emails you and tells you that he has to go into the psych ward for a few weeks. You visit him, and he is so medicated and out of it that he hardly seems like the brilliant young man he was last week. He’s addicted to pain meds for the physical and emotional agony that rages through his body. You hug him before leaving the hospital and wish life could be easier for him. He is as smart as some of the 1% percenters you've met, maybe even smarter and stronger because of all the struggles he fights against. If not for his dad's help, Rey would be homeless.
#45 Rey is also trying. He grew up a rough neighborhood, and when you ask him about some of the issues in his family he looks at you very seriously and says, “You don’t want to know.”
You know what he is facing is beyond comprehension for so many people. You want to get close to him, but he won’t let you. Rey thinks you are privileged and should stay that way. He doesn’t want you to know anything about his upbringing. He’s your friend in class, and a little insecure about his academic potential, even though he is just as smart, maybe smarter than many of the other students. He makes love to you once at the end of the semester and then disappears, for your own good he says. Rey also tells you that he can’t continue with school until things ease up for his family. Though this could be a lie, you saw a scar from a bullet hole in his left side. You know his life is tough. You remember him for a long while and wish him well.
#46 Rey is a retired baby boomer who did not save much money throughout his life. He has a completely receded hairline and a few remaining hairs bound up in a grey stringy pony tail. This lets you know that he’s been single a very long time. If he had a woman in his life, she would have shaved his few remaining hairs from his head while he was sleeping.
#47 Rey is another retired baby boomer who did not save much money throughout his life, and his pension was stolen from a man at the top 1% who married a stripper and retired in Colorado. Poor Rey…he hopes his Generation X son will finally grow the hell up and stop being a man-boy at forty-four years of age and help him out. Good luck, Rey!
#48 Rey is another retired baby boomer who did not save much money throughout his life. Apparently, some of the boomers spent a lot of money and had a lot of fun. This boomer frequents new age conventions and calls himself a shaman. He used to drop acid in his youth for mind-altering experiences. Now, he prefers peyote, Ayahuasca, or mushrooms. Rey kills it at the New Age conventions with spiritual women who participate in five minute exercises of open eye gazing, long, full-body hugs with strangers, and in-depth discussions about chakras and spirit guides. His favorite modalities are all hands on, and if one spiritual leader claims to have a higher counsel of thirteen guides, he’ll say he has fifteen spirit guides on his counsel.
This guy is tall and distinguished looking and keeps himself in great shape. The British accent seals the deal in most cases. Rey’s full of himself, and a bit of a clueless misogynist when you get right down to it. A woman at a conference might confess that her husband looked at porn and stopped making love to her. He’ll hug her for over a minute, really giving her that body contact she craves. Then, after fucking her later that night, he’ll forget her issue and say, “What the hell is wrong with porn? Nothing!”
The biggest problem with Rey is that he is still married, so everyone he fucks gets the same line of, “I’m not really open to commitment at this point in my life. We are living in an age of love that needs to be exchanged with as many people as possible. I wish you much love and blessings on your journey.” Without his wife or a woman willing to house him, Rey would be homeless.
#49 Rey watches a lot of porn and is a soccer hooligan. He dropped out of college because a girl broke his heart. He loves to talk about how Bill Gates does not have a degree either, though Rey has fundamentally nothing in common with Bill Gates, except he is white and male. Rey’s been unemployed for two years because a woman at his work “unjustly” accused him of stalking her. He put up a website with pictures and descriptions of all the women he has “lost touch with” over the years, looking for contact information for them. This Rey has something in common with Christian Grey in that he is in the market for a submissive, sex slave. He even has a section of his mom's basement transformed into a mini dungeon, and tells his mother it is his workout station. If she ever wobbles down the stairs, taxing her arthritic knees, he cuffs himself to one of the bars and does a few leg lifts. He's too weak to do pulls ups. Laundry is the only chore Rey does for his room, board, and meals, and this is mainly because he wants to keep his mom out of his newly constructed dungeon. Only one very drunk girl was ever lured down to his place, but she screamed and woke up his mom, which helped her avoid being chained up in his basement indefinitely.
#50 Rey’s in a wheelchair, and he is grateful to be in college because he feels better about himself when he says he is a student instead of saying he is homeless. This Rey is very sweet and kind, but he has several health complications. You don’t want to date him, but you are really rooting for him and hope he is able to stick with school and work his way out of poverty, maybe landing a job as a chef soon since he has experience in this area. Unfortunately, the last and final Rey will die of pneumonia, and you will pray that a thousand angels might carry him to heaven. Mostly, you will hope that he is granted enough love on the other side to completely wash away the pain of his life.
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