Dammit, I'm worth that burrito!
This morning, I woke up raw. I was unprocessed, unaltered, and natural. I also woke up defenseless to the day, which is not a normal thing for me to do, lately. Or ever. I usually go to bed with fears and anxieties, and wake up with plans of escaping them or tangling stories to weasel out of their ensuing dangers, no matter how preposterous those dangers really are.
I have become prey in my life. A frightened rabbit in a world full of wolves. I have built myself a hyper-vigilant vessel, always planning my next escape, or running like hell when I smell danger, and everything smells like danger.
This morning, I woke up raw. I went to bed serene and calm, sans worry for future, sans worry for reaction of others. None of that. I wouldn't say I went to bed with love, but with the effects of applying hefty doses of it upon myself, inside and out. My only goal for the next morning was to worry about me and my immediate needs. And I did. I woke up raw. I woke up uninhibited. I woke up and walked through my kitchen to the bathroom, flipping the coffee pot switch on the way. I showered, shaved, brushed my teeth, got dressed, got my coffee, and checked news sites for updates on the world. I shared some humor on Facebook. I caught up on a MMORPG that I'm really into right now. But I didn't give a single f@ck about anybody or anything other than me.
Do you realize how much energy I had by simply not caring about anything other than myself and my own needs? More exasperating is the realization that I've been wasting an astronomically high level of very low energy on OTHER PEOPLE or what they might do to me if I can't pull through for them or if I do something wrong! WHAT on earth could I do wrong, I'm smarter than most of the people I interact with, anyway, who would they be to come at me? ...and why would they, if they were as self absorbed and confident in themselves as I should be about my own self. Shit happens, as shit has always happened, and shit is going to happen. Put on your big girl boxer briefs and move on.
I spend all this energy on things that do not benefit me in the first two hours of my day! It is no wonder I trudge slowly and painfully through my days when not 100% mentally and physically into whatever it is that I am doing. But my whole day lacks because of the wasted energy I put out in the morning.
Not until just before lunch time did the anxiety overwhelm me. And I don't know exactly what the cause was, but I essentially pitched a tent and sat still for three hours, not doing anything but mentally running from the anxieties. Doing things that would make me feel far away from whatever the source of the anxiety is. But I cannot run from something that is all in my head. Once I got to that reminder -- I realized what I was forgetting to do. I was forgetting to eat. Back to yesterday, and the neglectfulness, and here I was trying to willingly put that...her...me...out of my mind. I ate. But not only did I eat, I treated myself. And as I ate, I felt very guilty for it. Not for neglecting myself, but for eating. I could almost hear myself say 'you don't deserve this.' I could almost hear the monsters saying it.
"They're not here anymore. It's me, now. Just me. And I'm enjoying this burrito, because I want to eat it." And so I did.
It's so strange, yet so obvious. I keep having to remind myself that I am in a very low level employment setup because I have not yet attempted to put myself at a higher level where I should be. Name an excuse, I've probably used it. Name an abuse, even. And yet, I never do anything about it. Could it be that the main reason is because I've ignored my own soul self so long that I forgot how good I actually am? And that's not meant to be arrogant at all -- what I am saying is that I've ignored my potential for whatever reason keeps me from shining. Seriously shining.
But that burrito, black beans, cilantro-lime-jasmine rice, fresh cilantro, my dad's homemade pico, avocados, a bit of shredded iceberg lettuce, and so much love. I made it for myself. I ate it for myself. Didn't hurt any animals, didn't cause anyone to suffer for it. I just ate a Chipotle-style burrito like the bad ass that I am, because I am worth eating a damned burrito. This is where it starts. It starts with awareness and recognition of those low points. Recognition of...and removal of the protection around them -- and lay bare what the source of the low points are. I have permission to be sad when the time calls for it. But most of the time, I get to be happy, joyous and free, blessed and content -- my life is BEAUTIFUL!!
You just don't find these moments by accident, you know. It took a damned burrito for me to get to where I was singing "MY LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!" in my car driving down Sayles Boulevard. And fuck defenses. I don't need them anymore. Life is awesome. I am blessed, I am inspired, I am motivated, and I am determined that, no matter what, every day will be my best day ever. If nothing more, than just for the month of November.