observations on life in Pattaya
Quarrelling in Thailand
Have A Great Quarrel
It’s the festive season so how about gifting your relationship with a good quarrel? If you’re an expat living in Thailand you’ve got it made, mate! Where I am, Pattaya, it’s as easy as pie to quarrel. You just have to want to go out for a quick bite or a round of golf, and your beloved suspects you of wanting a soapy, sexy massage or a call-girl’s lascivious attentions or the caress of Miss Nim’s delicate mit. It’s a piece of cake. Quarrel Hollywood style here in Sin City.
A Bit Of Bragging
I was doing a bit of bragging only yesterday with a German expat, an acquaintance who is piling up the bad karma. He gave his money to a Thai thief. It was a gold-investment opportunity. He fell in love with a Thai psychopath. It was a love-at-first-sight opportunity. He is trying to sue a disco for shaking his bed at four in the a.m. It was a great-condo-buy opportunity. I feel really smug by comparison so I invited him round to meet the family. In walked my Thai partner Na and I told him grinningly that she had been looking after me for the last nine years (an absolute lie), then in walked her daughter and her daughter’s little daughter, and Charley (for that is indeed the charlie’s name – ha ha!) joked feebly that the little baby had only been looking after me for nine months. I gave him a stern look and he shut up.
Ego And The Lusty Boast
Now, this morning, I am cogitating on the difficulty of submerging ego and the lusty boast. You see, Na has not looked after me for nine years but for maybe two or three at a pinch. We have quarrelled so much that she has often left me and lived for long spells up in the Isaan where she tends to family-matters and buffs*. When she returns we have a great time for a couple of days and then I throw in a quarrel or two. Guaranteed to prolong any Thai relationship and especially mine! It’s not easy for a pretty Thai lass to live with a pillock like me.
Off My Chest
And that’s about it for this morning. I’ve got that one off my chest. I’ve confessed to Niume (but not to Charley) and it feels great. I suppose you want to know my most intimate secret for quarrelling. As I say, live in Pattaya in close proximity to fifty-three thousand, beautiful Thai ladies who are short of cash but not short of glances your way. BUT, MOST EXQUISITELY, disparage the Thai family to your partner and if that doesn’t work, withdraw a few hundred baht from the monthly maintenance cheque. These two methods guarantee you peace and quiet for a very long time and allow you to boast you have been looked after by your Thai partner for nine years.
Na on the family buff after a particularly productive and fruity quarrel with me
Loud Out Laughing (LOL)
Ha ha ha and a ho ho ho! LOL and let’s say it backwards....No, on second thoughts let’s not because LOL backwards seems to be LOL, too. No, it isn’t. It’s Loud Out Laughing. Silly me.
*buffs – short for buffaloes, the long-haired shaggy variety with cuckold horns