A piece from my bio that has now been published. Chapter Fifteen
I began to see a change in Rickie's behavior and thought, this is just her being a rebellious teenager. My child seemed as if she were irritated with me all the time, and everytime I spoke to her, she snapped back, being extremely rude and disrespectful. Something just seemed to be off, and I just couldn't pinpoint it out. When she wasn't acting out, she was constantly sleeping, and I noticed how pale she began to look. I remember this look, because it was the same look I had when I carried her inside me. The longer I stared at her, the more I began to feel away that I hadn't before. Emotions of anger, fear, and sadness began to take over me. Denial can be something when you don't want ro face the facts. It just couldn't be true! Would she go and disobey me by disrespecting herself at such a young age. My child was pregnant with her first child at the young age of fourteen. For the next nine months I would cry from disapointment and the blues. I never thought that she would hurt me intentionally, and times have changed since I were child. My daughter had no clue how hard being a mother and raising a child really was, and to be a teenage mother was even harder. All those dreams I had for her had been stripped away in seconds. There was even a time when I thought she felt she wasn't loved enough. I seen how it affected her that her biological father wasn't there, and she would see her friends interact with their fathers. She would cry sometimes and say "why am I here? I don't know why I am here? I never asked to be in this messed up world, with a dad that's in prison." I told her "when the people around us do certain things, it can affect us, but it's up to us to overcome these challenges, and it is up to us to make our lives better. Never dwell on these situations, feeling sorry for yourself, and putting your life on pause. Always look ahead, and never backwards. Everyone makes mistakes, and there will be bad choices that we make, but that is all apart of learning from these mistakes, and maturing in life to make it better. You can also learn from these mistakes, such as your parent's, and only you hold the future to your own life." I would never have any of my children grow up to be weak, or feel sorry for themselves as I once did, because that is when failure steps in and decides to take over and that I will not have.
As I continuously cried, Arthur, looked confused, with extreme worry on his face. He sat down next to me that Saturday morning, in our living room, and grabbed my hand as he said " you can't keep walking around here crying. I was able to catch a breath and speak, and I looked him in the eyes and told him "Rickie is pregnant. He said nothing but let my hand go, stared at me for a moment with the coldest look ever, stood up and stormed off. This is when all hell seemed to break loose in my home.
It became overwhelming as my home seemed to become broken in an instant. Everyone deals with certain situations in their own way, but Arther had become incapable of dealing with. I knew he was just as hurt as me, but I carried her, and pushed her out of me, so I was even more hurt. They seemed to argue more and more everyday, and I began to feel as if she had one arm and he had the other, while they played tug of war. I tried talking her out of having the baby, but she argued me down and said "this is my baby, and I'm going to have it." There was nothing I could do about it but except it. It was not fair to live like this any longer, and it was not fair to Arther, so I found a place across town, and took my children with me. It was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do, because I planned to grow old with this man, and it was now over. My children knew right from wrong, but it had come time that I had to choose, and I chose my kids.
As the months passed, I watched my baby's stomach grow, and her facial features began to look as if she were older than she actually was. The baby face she once had was now gone, and she started to look more like my sister instead of my child. Her attitude seemed to become worse, and dealing with this and her demeanor was outrageous. She failed to realize that once her baby was born, she would no longer come first. I will never forget the type of struggling life we lived in that broke down, raggeddy ass apartment. So many days in solitude, that I tried my hardest to forget, but never could. When I cried it was mostly behind closed doors, or on the phone with Thina. I asked myself "where did I go wrong and fuck up?" Rickie still had the mind of a child, which caused her to have many selfish ways, and I knew she was not ready for this huge resposibily that would be soon coming at her, like a category five tornado.
My grandbaby was born on friday the 13th. The sky stood very dark, grey, and gloomy, from a storm that caused the rain to beat against the hospital window pane. I did nothing but stare at my child as she lay there in pain, ready to welcome her daughter into the world. As I stood there, holding one of her legs, and watched as my grandbaby's head began to come out, I started to cry, and this is when you could hear the thunder as it pounded even louder, followed by more rain, like it were in pain like I was. I then felt a subtleness, carefully listening to this weather, and took it in as if god were sending me a sign, that this will be the last time you cry, so we will do it together, because from that day forward, she has brought me nothing but pure joy. My daughter had become a mother at the age of fourteen and I, a grandmother at the age of thirty-three. Rickie named her Lashaye, and she was born with a fine-soft thick head of curly-brown hair, and eyes of the thickest honey. I felt blessed to be alive, and in this little girls life and she in I. She was truly a blessing, from god himself.