Escaping the past...


When you are a child and your family is broken up, you tend to blame yourself for everything. As a child you cannot blame them; after all they are your parents. So you blame yourself instead because it is easier this way. And then you blame yourself the more when you know you had actually done something to contribute to the breakup. This was the situation that I found myself in, and to me it was normal. I was prepared to feel guilty for the rest of my life because I felt that by taking the blame, I would be better prepared to change things for the better. My stance however began to change when I realized that my father’s hatred and physical abuse on me had been his own way of blaming me even though the breakup had been entirely his fault. He had chosen to push the blame my way and rub it all in my face after he found himself in the impossible situation of taking care of us; no thanks to his laziness and mediocre lifestyle.

     Meanwhile, unprepared to accept this blame from him, I made haste to escape.  But running to my mother (who didn’t want me) meant that I faced the same blame altogether. And this time [really] it was more than just the blames that I had to endure from my mother because living under her watch, her new husband sexually abuse me during what were definitely the most traumatizing times in my life. In all these, what really left me numb was the reality of my own mother choosing her pedophilic and useless husband over me while chasing me into the streets to perish.

     As I walked away from that day determined to never have a thing to do with her, I was very uncertain about my future. I was scared and of course vulnerable, yet my whole being was embroiled in bitterness, angry and betrayed. Yet I was determined, determined to succeed in spite of the uncertainty surrounding the workability of the little plan I had drawn up. Heading to Lagos in search of my mother’s elder brother, an uncle I had never seen before and a family I was unsure would accept me wasn’t exactly the kind of plan I needed at that moment. Yet I was determined to see it through. So I did...

*Rose is a prominent character in my soon to be published manuscript with the working title Forlorn Gaze. Here, she recounts the sad events that led her to whom she became...

~Emmanuel Benson loves to write.


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