THIS IS THAILAND (TIT) & THIS IS ESPECIALLY PATTAYA (TIEP)

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not exactly a story but certainly tales from Thailand

You are sometimes at a loss what to do with your time here in Pattaya and boredom sets in like a rainy Scottish day with midges. The hot sun accosts you and your friends bore you. Levels of bad English get your goat; you feel like going mad or getting drunk. You know if you try for a bedpost notch you will be disappointed by the repetitive nature of the experience. What do you do? If you’re like me you listen to your friends and hope that something will come from the formidable minds and memories of punters.

 rainy Scottish day with midges

PUNTER NUMBER ONE : THE FORMIDABLE COSTA

Jimmie revenges himself for getting ripped off. He devises a plan to hide a motorbike and not give the key back, asking Costa to tell its owner Jimmie has returned to the UK with the key, and has sent the bike up north. (This plan doesn’t work because the lady-owner turns up with a Thai heavy before Jim has time to leave and demands the key. Jim had been ripped off paying for the bike then not being given the vehicle ownership doc.!)

formidable 

Come to Thailand for a two-year holiday before deciding to retire here.

Money diminishes, exchange rates get worse, and relationships make people live beyond their means.

Farangs go to the Isaan where they drink themselves to death.

Thai girls lose their lovers and want to get them back; they give money to parasitic men.

Thai women are sensuous and dangerous.

Costa goes and makes himself a cup of tea which he drinks while eating some porridge oats he purchased in his local Tesco and brought over in his suitcase.

That’s enough of Costa’s intimations.

PUNTER NUMBER TWO : ROY TRIES TO COGITATE

“I lived with my Thai lady in a big house in separate rooms. I know an ex-pro boxer, Irish, called the ice man because he sold aircons. We are all here for pussy not temples. The farangs want the Thai workers to do jobs for almost nothing. Alex, my friend, tried to f… my wife. Swedish Hannes found ladies for tourists and asked 10%. Lek, too. Alex is an alcoholic, bipolar narcissist. Gary, a Londoner, bent cock because of bad blood-circulation ordered a device to straighten it. Alex borrowed money from his lady but it was mafia money. He lost the house he bought to the Thai mafia. He didn’t pay his lady. She kicked him out. Alex stayed with me and brought all his furniture, wanted to make love to my lady. She was half there! Golan, like Alex, one-minute friend then turns against you. All my ladies alcoholics. First time came to Thailand with Mick…” “You blew your balls off?” asks Costa. “Mick couldn’t so I did four girls but he still paid for two.” Roy mumbles about date-rape spray. “It knocks you out.” I don’t get the connection. “You can make love in public if they keep their skirts on. Twenty years, I’ve always supported women all my life. It’s only money,” concludes Roy, scratching his head, standing in the middle of his depressingly shabby room.

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