September 21, 1994
It is early in the morning, the day of my 52nd birthday. Chaya is not feeling well. She has a throat tickle and is beginning to get a deep cough. Some kind of bug has got her. It is shortly after midnight, and though I am tired, I cannot sleep. This condition has been with me most of the year. It seems that life has me panicked. It has been such a hard and hurtful time.
My mind races in circles. I must learn to become calm, meditative, and renew the spiritual energy that filled me in my earlier years.
I cannot say that I am depressed, but I have lost the dreams of yesteryear. Perhaps that is not a bad thing, as dreams are the stuff of youth.
The new business is not doing well. I am angry as I lay in bed thinking about how to make a living. I feel ripped off by the sales approach of the sellers of this equipment I pirchased. I blame myself for being so naive that I should have entered into such a loan and an obligation and put my lovely wife in such jeopardy at this stage of our life. So many details about the daily running of this business were hidden from us. We only found out how difficult it is to make money and how expensive the retail locations are after we purchased the equipment. It is not hard to imagine the difficulty I will face in the near future. I hope and pray that it will not affect my marriage.
Chaya has been so helpful and optimistic all along. She is the source of my inspiration and the sole remaining light in my life. Tasha is also a delightful being to be with and share time. I have been helping her with her college work as much as I can, and she has learned to write and express herself quite well. Truly, she has come far in a short period if time.
I love Chaya so very much and want the very best for her. Luckily, she is a strong and positive person. I am certain that she is as worried as I am about how we can possibly survive much longer under the present conditions, but it does not affect her daily mood and will as such problems do with me. I have learned a lot this past year, and much of it from her.
Chaya loves the little house and having her own home. As rents have skyrocketed in the last year, we are not paying much more than rents would cost, but neither of us have professional enough skills to make a good living. That is why we bought the equipment, hoping that hard work and many hours would add up to a little more income than minimum wage jobs that we could get. Perhaps that will still be the case, as the doors are not completely closed.
We will have some answers about school fund raising this weekend if we can keep healthy and make the next event. Last weekend we went to the Middle Park Fair at Kremmling. Business was very slow and we were buffeted by the winds so badly that we had to close shop to protect the equipment and come on home. Outdoor affairs in tents are not good for this business.
(September 21, 1994)
Have I told you lately that you are the light of my life?
Have I been cheerful, helpful,
and good company?
Has the time we spend together deteriorated
as we talk about problems and constant worry?
I love you.
I love the way you smell,
the cheer you bring to my life,
the company of your presence.
The older we get,
the lonelier life becomes.
As youthful dreams pass,
as expectations become smaller,
we become more content with our lots.
Neither of us want too much from the other.
We are lucky that way.
The year has been filled
with more disappointments than joys,
but these were not of our making.
In time, we will feel
purified by this experience,
forged by the pains we felt,
and strengthened by our ability
to ride this storm that middle age
has brought upon us.
I want to make this resolution,
that we will always help one another
in the many small ways that make life rewarding.
I want you to signal me when I revert
to scolding you for my own inadequacies.
This is not the way I wish to be,
nor is it the way I want to treat the person
I love most in this world.
We live in a world where love can often
be more of a problem than a solution,
so let us begin again this hour
in our resolve not to take one another for granted.
We will live in silent joy forever,
the world lit by the twinkle in our eyes
when we pause to look at one another.