If there’s one piece of dating advice for men that's most universal, it’s this: be more confident! And if you’re like most men, that only makes you feel even MORE INSECURE than normal.
If there’s one piece of dating advice for men that's most universal, it’s this: be more confident!
And if you’re like most men, that only makes you feel even MORE INSECURE than normal. But it’s normal to feel insecure and the truth is, it’s only a piece of the great man-puzzle that is dating a woman.
First, you have to understand why confidence is so universally accepted as an important aspect for attracting women.
Because women want men who can be confident AND vulnerable, be funny AND serious, be adventurous AND her rock of security, be focused AND in the moment, be passionate AND emotionally stable… and that’s the short list! It seems impossible at first – until you realize that behind all of it is a woman who just wants to feel and she needs your help.
Some men chase confidence and chase the laundry list of what women say they want (i.e. funny, serious, confident, vulnerable, passionate, focused, emotionally even-keeled) in a futile attempt to grab the prize… like a dog chasing its tail… sometimes never realizing that they ARE the prize.
So here, we take the concept of confidence and break it down for you.
What’s behind the desire for confident men and how to deliver that in a practical, straightforward manner that doesn’t require you to be someone else?
To put it bluntly, they want you to be a leader. They want you to lead them to all the emotions they want to feel – but also do it in a way that speaks their language.
This one powerful concept is brought to you in 3 simple lessons, in order to IMMEDIATELY improve your dating life.
Lesson #1: Why is leading good?
She WANTS you to succeed stupid!
Let’s be real here.
How many women do you really think go out every night saying to themselves, “Let’s see how many men we can crush tonight?”
No, it’s not even close to how many you may think.
I’m not saying they’re not out there. There are a handful of true ice queens out there who go out for the sole purpose of shooting down boys for its own sake.
You may not realize this, but they’re doing you a favor. Dating a hot girl with a horrible attitude is like driving an ‘17 Aston Martin with the engine of a ’74 Pinto. Trust me, it’s bad.
But those are the rare exceptions.
Most single women go out at night secretly hoping that they get noticed by a strong, confident, attractive man. In fact, they go just abouteverywhere with that secret hope in mind. When was the last time you saw a girl go out to the supermarket or the gym without makeup on?
Every time she leaves her house, she’s putting herself on display.
The misunderstanding is that she doesn’t want to be your mother, or your therapist, or your best friend. She wants to be your WOMAN. All you have to do is make her feel like one.
In the end, men and women want the same basic things. Love. Sex. Companionship. Excitement. Intimacy. Vulnerability. Acceptance.
It’s the specifics that have been lost in this age of gender equality. Your generation- our generation of men – is suffering from the delusion that female attraction somehow works exactly the same as a man’s. We’ve been raised to think that if only we do everything she tells us, THEN she’s sure to want us like a kitten on catnip. You don’t need to be told how wrong that is. And if you didn’t already know, you’ll find out soon enough.
It’s okay bro. We’re here to help.
Lesson #2: You Must Lead By Example…
You can’t REASON women into being attracted to you.
Before you can learn anything else, you need to understand this. You can’ttalk a woman into feeling attraction for you. This is the biggest mistake you can ever make with a woman, and yet, time after time, night after night, MILLIONS OF MEN all across this country try to reason women out of their panties. You see it in clubs and bars, on the street and on the internet, men deluded into thinking that the way to a woman’s heart is through a well-reasoned argument.
They throw around their money.
They throw around their status.
They throw around their muscular bodies and their hot cars and their new hip threads in vain attempts to convince women of their worth in quantifiable, masculine terms.
Does this work sometimes?
Thankfully, it does. Or there wouldn’t be nearly as many people in the world as there are now.
But, like monkeys with typewriters, success seems entirely random, and way, way outside the control of your average, non-rockstar, non-millionaire guy. After all, it’s called “getting lucky” for a reason, right?
Yes, women are generally wired to seek alpha men or men with alpha status amongst guys available to them.
So that’s it, right? Game over. Gorgeous women are naturally gold-diggers and status-seekers, and there’s NO CHANCE of getting with a single one of them without a Bentley, a penthouse, or a platinum record.
It’s easy to think this way. After all, we’re guys. We judge the world on what’s right in front of our eyes. Women, however, think differently.
Why do women like to dance so much? Ask a girl and she’ll tell you. No matter what’s going on in her life, no matter how bad her week was, she can always go to the club, and lose herself entirely to the music. It’s just her and the rhythm of the music washing over her body. And everything else is just… gone. The logical part of her brain shuts down, and she lets herself sense of self go.
Women are attracted to men who can give them these feelings too.
With shockingly few exceptions, women aren’t gold-diggers. They aren’tstatus-seekers. They aren’t heart-breakers, ice queens, ball-busters, or any of the other things that unsuccessful men call them after a long, hard night of strikeouts. Just like you, they just want to have a good time. The men who succeed with women know how to talk to them to engage theirfeelings, not their minds.
So if you’re not going to try to reason a woman into attraction, what do you do?
Throw away the sales pitch. If you really want to connect with her, you must go there FIRST. Lead her to the emotions you want by connecting to those feelings first and then allow her to follow you.
Once upon a date, Sam was on sharing a cab ride with a girl named Ophelia, but she was acting standoffish the whole night. So instead of trying to convince her to open up, Sam opened up to her.
It was as if they were both standing in front of a lake but she was afraid of the cold water, of taking off her clothes and what might be swimming in the water unseen. So he jumps in first and says “come on in… the water’s fine!” Now it’s a little easier for her to join in…
So Sam thought about the positive feelings he wanted to connect with and decided that it was affection and warmth – because that’s what he remembered most fondly about the girls he dated.
As they were riding in the cab together, he shared with her the story of Nikki, his last long term relationship.
Sam: The thing about it is when we first met we got along so well. We really connected and you could just tell when you’re with someone that you feel totally comfortable with and you’re having such a great time.
You ever have one of those relationships where you have a fire that burns so hot that it just kind of consumes you?
And so that night we had this amazing connection that naturally became physical. And sure enough, we liked each other so much we dated for like a year and a half.
And I remember on our one-year anniversary, we were walking by the east river during a warm summer evening and we talked about that night and how it all started. We remembered the chemistry when we first met, the instant connection that was there.
And he looked deep into Ophelia’s eyes and said, “you know how I knew right away that we were gonna get along? That we were gonna connect on this level… from the first night?
Sam: Because she was so affectionate, so open and warm and it just made me WANT to open up to her. To be open enough to have this connection with her. And once I did, I just knew we’d be together for a very long time.
I LOOOOOOOOVE affectionate girls!
This is way, way, way better than just saying “are you affectionate? Because if you’re not then we can’t hang cuz you’re not cool enough for me… NYAH!”
Instead, Sam felt those emotions first and then used what in NLP terms is called process language. He used those details to really immerse both her and himself into the experience.
Speak to her as a woman. Paint a picture with your words. There’s poetry in every woman’s heart. Meet her there. No matter how little money or status they have, artists and musicians get women because communicating in feelings and pictures and abstractions is second nature to them.
And no matter how little money or status they have, artists and musicians have always gotten beautiful, smart and successful women because communicating in powerful feelings is second nature to them.
So one final time, please put away the sales pitch. Learn how to engage a woman’s imagination, and her world- as well as other things- will open up to you.
Lesson #3: Being Powerful Is Attractive
It’s no secret women are attracted to confidence but there’s also a psychological reason…
So here we are, the last lesson. This has been a mini-journey into the female mind and we’ve covered why leading is such a powerful concept in attraction and WHY it should be important to you as well.
We talked about leading by example and bringing her with you on an emotional journey to the positive feelings we all crave.
The great part of that is you can both be in rapport with each other and you can never be “rejected” for talking about your poor little kitten named Fluffy that was caught in a tree one time but then got freed and was so extremely happy and grateful and super cute….
But sometimes, you just gotta take a little chance.
This is a moment where you have to put yourself strongly and powerfully on the line by moving in bolder direction where she’s likely to respond in a yes/no fashion within seconds.
The good news is, if you do it right, the answer will be yes most of the time. :-)
What’s the trick, you say?
Well, this is related to confidence and the fact that women and people in general respond to authority. When you see a quality in a person you want, you naturally want to be around that person. Like attracts like, even if you aren’t like that.
However, it goes deeper than that. Because most people carry doubt and insecurity to varying degrees, our mind is always looking for meaning in the noise, to make sense of the world and to support or discard beliefs that seem useful- that way we can feel comfortable and secure and we don’t have to second-guess or question ourselves all the time. We can just go about our world “knowing” that we can handle any surprises…
That is, until I come along while you’re on your way to work and smack you upside the head and gleefully run away.
“Wait – WHAT? Why did this happen?!? How can I prevent this from happening again???”
When the brain is seeking answers, it will always create an answer – even if there is no evidence to support that answer. It’s there to very quickly protect you against immediate danger and it does a great job, doesn’t it?
And THAT is the bottom line, my friend…
Because people want to feel safe, secure, comfortable and protected from unnecessary risk so they can enjoy life without living in fear – but women ESPECIALLY value this. And your confidence gives them that.
Your confidence is sexy to them. Ever hear a girl tell you she wants a tall guy because she can “feel safe in his big, strong arms”? Well, if he’s not confident and you are, she will get that feeling from you and not from him.
Taking this a step further is the bold approach.
When a person is taken by surprise, the mind goes into a state of confusion – it starts seeking answers QUICKLY! Any pre-program it may have is immediately discarded in the face of this new and unexpected situation – it MUST quickly return to equilibrium.
A bold and powerful approach does all of this. It’s often out of the ordinary, unexpected AND circumvents the typical and expected response she might fall back on.
It’s as if you went into a luxury store and the salesperson immediately walks up to you and says “can I help you?” Almost everyone says no, but it’s purely out of habit, you don’t even think about it. It becomes a knee-jerk reaction and sometimes we forget that and have to make a conscious effort to return to the salesperson to ask for help (I know, it’s horrible).
The saddest part is that’s how girls are often reacting too – from all the moments where they’ve had to suffer the cat calls from construction workers, the comments about how slutty she looks, the stupid and downright stomach turning pick-up lines from guys who seriously have no clue what to do besides point at her and grunt.
<Sniffles> I mean… can you blame them, sometimes?
And – big shocker! – she may even say no to that cool, laid-back guy she found really attractive, purely out of habit and then REALLY regret it later on… but by then, it’s too late. <cue violins>
So, we’ll say it again. A bold and powerful approach is often out of the ordinary, unexpected AND circumvents the typical and expected response from her.
In the face of uncertainty, people look to the strongest leader. And we hope we don’t have to tell you by now who that person is.
The point is a bold confidence allows you to be attractive, give her a sense of comfort AND interact on a more real, genuine level. And the more confident you are, the easier it is to lead her into those positive experiences.
For some, this is probably stretching you a bit in terms of your current beliefs and experience, but it’s often one of those things you can only believe once you’ve gone through the journey a bit.
Keep in mind, when we say “bold and powerful”, it doesn’t mean you should be jumping at her from behind the bushes, or blasting her eardrums with your new Harley that has red flames on it. Use your head OK, Einstein?
Ok. One last example to close this out.
One night, Alex goes out to a really nice salsa club. The dance floor is absolutely filled with gorgeous women, but the walls are packed with clueless men. So, Alex decides he has to get moving quickly. He spots this one girl from behind, who’s sitting there with some of her friends and family. Guys are coming up to her, one after the other, and she’s shooting them down like a machine gun of rejection, one by one.
So, he takes the lead.
He goes up to her and immediately places his hand on her shoulder. He looks down at her, and she looks up at him. Then he leans down close and asks, “You don’t want to dance to this song right now, do you?” After having to turn down a dozen or so average approaches, automatically says no.
After a brief pause, he smiles and says, “But we should dance to the next one, right?” And as he says this, he nods his head, gently inviting her to follow his lead.
This second piece is the most important part. She didn’t expect to say to agree with him by saying no, and there’s about a two or three-second window before she can decide what to say next. But while she’s thinking, Alex is asking her for the next dance and nodding his head.
So, she follows and breaks into a smile. And getting curious she replies, “You’re alright. What’s your name?”
So, what’s the lesson here? Be the man. Surprise her with a bold approach, and confidently take the lead.
Because she wants you to succeed, stupid!
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